Never Allow Controlling People Back In

Never Allow Controlling People Back In

Standing on your own two feet and defending that ability shields you from over-controlling people who prefer you being over-dependant on them.

We're called to forgive, not always reconcile:

"Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you."

Matthew 7:6

No one is called to be a fool or lack discernment:

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”

Proverbs 13:20

Our life is precious, so we guard our hearts.

Loving suggestions and guidance are beautiful, icky controlling energy is never a trait I want to come from any relationship in my life, I have created peace and I plan to guard it. It needs to be mutually uplifting, but wanting power over another being isn't right at all.

I have a deep sense of appreciation for people who ask me the right questions to help me tap into my inner guidance. I didn't go through that childhood with no wisdom to show for it and to externalize my inner compass to dogmatic notions that have no nuances (instincts win).

My level of self-reliance doesn't do well with controlling people who want you to live like an extension of them. I like people who make me feel cared for, but not trapped and smothered.

I also don't allow hyper-criticalness, nitpicking, envy, and jealousy back in. I have worked too hard to build myself back up and there's a 1% exception range under my discretion but if they're not in your life in the now, why should they be later? Was there not a reason?

Love is not possession, care is not imposition. It's about relationship, not ownership. The lengths some will to erase free will and personal choice is unfathomable to me. People have a right to choose who they allow into their private lives, it simply needs to be accepted.

Genuine people are able to leave the ball in your court and respect readiness (if any, if ever). They do not try to stick their claws in every aspect of your life and shove their beliefs on you as if you have no personal agency and autonomy.

If you know that something is unhealthy for you and you know that you don't have to prove forgiveness by exposing yourself to things that you should never have had to deal with in the first place as a child, you have every right to distance from what hinders your health... People who were either very fly-in-fly out at their convenience should respect your convenience and those who made your healing more difficult should respect that you needed to draw a line in the sand and make difficult decisions. You're not weak for having tolerance limits and you do not need more therapy to increase your tolerance to stop yourself from refusing being around what endangered your safety both mental or physical all because of someone else's idea of what forgiveness meant. Forgiveness doesn't forgo safety. Never apologize for respecting the impact something had on you and your need for healing - away from the causes. A boundary is not a grudge. Don't be walked on.  

If it's about relationship and not ownership and relationship comes down to choice... What part of humanity = autonomy and personal agency is unclear to some? I won't have any stranger try and bulldoze their way into my life any more than ex friends/ties/connections either. 

I think my strongest connections are the ones where we can have differences in values and opinions but still show each other unconditional love. It's very "live and let live" type of free flowing energy that doesn't try to brainwash or mentally manipulate major life decisions.

There's a difference between having had enough and refusing to communicate, but a controlling person who wants to control your mind, reality, and the narrative will not near you. It then escalates to you leaving and then it is supposedly confusing, even after you tried to set limits and boundaries to no avail.

You're worthy of connections that meet your need and vice versa and where you don't need to be weak or watered down to make them feel good about themselves. Confident people can also be soft, but they need to feel safe to be authentic without feeling judged and controlled.

Anyone who has an automatic negative interpretation of your core traits, confuses confidence for arrogance, confuses hyper-focus for snobbery, and so on...

You must evaluate if they are truly looking to uplift you, or do they just like having ownership of you?

Do they address things head on or are you expected to move forward without personal protective parameters like a dummy? 

Values in common matters, but it's also about how do you feel around that person? We won't all be carbon-copies, so as long as it's not a fundamental clash, accepting and loving each other's differences does matter. 

One thing about a bad decision in any area of life is that it can be reversed in most cases and doors can be shut again if need be, should you regret letting ex-friends or people back in, you're not stuck.

Your oxygen mask is your line of defence against controlling and manipulative relationships that require your subservience to exist.

Is it difficult to comprehend that you can have a lot of love in your heart for certain people, but also not feel the need to reconcile or be around them? It doesn't need to mean anything is wrong. There is peace in detachment.

We may think that forgiveness means acting like nothing ever happened and not setting some protective parameters and this is probably the biggest misconception, you are worthy of your own love and protection at all times.

You can forgive without reconciling, and you can forgive without acting like nothing happened, your parameters are your protection... and if anybody doesn't like parameters, they are not obligated to be in your life, are they?

You deserve people who don't give you anything to constantly recover from over and over and over again.

If it is left in your court like a graceful person would do, awesome, but various underhanded tactics to corner you into a response by past people trying to weasel their way in (when it ended for a reason, yet they still act confused somehow) need to be analyzed closely. 💯

Directness is very appreciated, but sneakiness says it all.

People who cannot take ownership for their part are not exactly going to add ease or peace to your life.

If you made a choice to walk away from a relationship that no longer sat well with you for whatever reason, you can wish them well/wish them the best; however, you can't be made responsible for their healing.

✨ Empathy doesn't mean reversing your past decisions designed to protect your sanity and healing, even if they're good people. ✨

Have you ever noticed that some people were so kind and supportive when you were broken, unhealed, and at your weakest, but as you became stronger, autonomous, free-er, and more sure of yourself, they became more controlling and possessive? Is it just me?

Boundaries can be set as gracefully as a situation allows, but you're not responsible for their reaction. If they do not respect your decision towards closing a door, this can't be made into your responsibility to heal them... That doesn't compute, it needs to be accepted.

If they didn't think through their own part and didn't think it would cost them you, then maybe they can think that through before putting it all on your shoulders and act like you removing yourself to heal at your pace wasn't a valid choice or one requiring false shame or guilt.

Evaluate the connections in your life periodically:
 
Is it healthy?

Is it adding to your health?

Is it helping you as much as you give?

Is it adding mutual love and value?

Is it a bottomless sink-hole of one-sided taking and inconsistency?

It is never an easy decision to walk away from any relationship, but it is enmeshment and heavy codependence to put the burden of their healing onto you when you simply enacted self-preservation and something they must have done pushed you to it.

Love is unconditional, relationship is absolutely not.

The same questions apply before letting anyone back in, do not let the flattery in the moment take over your rational mind. Ties of the heart that are strong don't necessarily mean that they are healthy (how did they treat you though). Are they compatible with the new version of you? Be very careful when people pop back up.

People who evolve together make a lot of sense and are a match, those who don't evolve together and try to force you to be a version of yourself that you outgrew and are not growing with you, maybe there's a reason that God allowed that relationship to fail?

Do people think that you'll just stay and go along with disrespect, bulldozing, them trying to think on your behalf, dictate your serious life choices (and act like you're disrespectful for thinking for yourself like a grown adult), step on your in all sorts of ways, and you'll stay along for more?

Making decisions for a grown being is codependent, these same people act like boundaries are cold because how dare you not live your life for them and as an extension of them.  

You can love people unconditionally, but that does not mean accepting just any kind of treatment, and I think that's where people got confused with me along the way. I guess there's no more confusion now, hopefully they learned some through these experiences. 

Some may have been casualties when there was a need to separate myself from certain sets of people to heal properly, but the ones who were not casualties and part of the pack that required the distancing: hopefully they learned something.

Rarely is walking away from any long-term relationship a surprise, but they will act like it was a surprise while completely denying their part and making you look like you overreacted when in reality, you were pushed to it, but they will never reveal that.  

They may actually be very turned off when they realize you are nothing like you were in the past and no longer a weak/unhealed person, so that might take care of itself for a few of them. The ones who have left the ball in your court are the only ones worthy of reconsideration.

It's one thing to be a messy person, but if self-preservation was the only solution after trying everything you could so that you could create a future that was nothing like your past and someone thought this was somehow confusing or tried to mind your business for you: perhaps they didn't have all of the facets of the situation that you did and perhaps considering that not allowing them to walk in your shoes on your behalf was just you exercising your own autonomy? I have seen plenty of decent people resort to self-preservation aka distancing themselves from situations they need to heal from in order responsibly stop generational trauma from continuing and not be another statistic by staying around situations that were dangerous on various levels.

Avoiding retraumatization isn't lacking resilience or a punishment to others, it's self-care.

You can only explain yourself so much until you realize that their perception of you is theirs to manage, not yours to manage.

Ownership and possession isn't how genuine love and care are shown. Not at all. This was a pattern where I was on the receiving end of controlling people from all angles until I started to trim the weeds and some were shocked like if it was a surprise. I got sick of it.  

You can work things out with most people, but not when it's a character flaw that's ingrained.

If someone doesn't have direct access to you, there may be a reason? So having to find roundabout ways to sneak back in is kind of odd. The people who leave it in your court are just so much easier to deal with. 

You can always care about the feelings of others when you set lines, that's normal, but you're not able to protect them from the way your boundaries may hurt them (that's not the same as going around harming people or doing evil), protecting yourself is necessary sometimes.

You can cut off whoever you need to cut off and God is still going to give you what you need to live your best life and not just survive, your blessings don't come from the people you're better off without, they come from God! 

God exposes the people that you need to lock out of your life before your blessings start pouring in. I think that has something to do with the oddities that have been happening in the past year because I'm getting more information about who is behind it. No coming back from it.

Trying to corner someone to sneak back in because you have no other means to access them instead of just respectfully leaving the ball in their court? 

When someone walks away from relationships no longer deemed healthy for them, self-reflection and acceptance are healthy responses. Sending dozens of people in different areas of life to keep tabs on me (who blew their cover) is not exactly the norm or healthy. At all. 

It's about the health of a relationship, not ownership.   

Respecting yourself and the lessons that you have learned and putting strict boundaries and parameters in place is not the same as holding onto the past, that's just a copout that boundary-haters will employ to manipulate you.

I do not think that pretending nothing happened resolves anything.

The initial flattery may wane, and then you may realize like wow it's pretty manipulative to have to go about it in a roundabout way and corner you (shown by the means chosen and manner chosen) to try to get back into *your* life. 💯

Anyone can paint the person who walked away any type of way that they want, but discerning people will understand that it takes a lot of reasons or an accumulation of nonsense for someone to make that sort of decision.

Making the person who made a decision to walk away from certain things and certain people years ago look like the bad person is too easy. Almost how adding insult to injury is easier than an open mind who gets gray areas. The amount of crazy-making and pressure that was applied at the time was wrong.

Anyone incapable of respecting someone else's choices around who can stay in their life, who may not, and who they need healing from (usually away from the causes and the casualties), who they need a break from, who they're not ready for... has 'power-over' and control problems.

It was as though they had the right to hijack my life's decisions and as if me choosing my inner voice was mean or insane, in reality, people have an inner guidance system and no one external to them, beyond welcome guidance, has a right to hijack it or act as if them following their inner voice is an insult or belligerent (that's control issues).

I will be accepting price quotes for 2-5 cease and desist letters (over email) soon if they have not learned yet that sneaking their way back in, cornering me using my work info aka distracting me at work because there must be a reason they have no other way of contacting me, etc., and other means of aggressive infiltration isn't going to work on me. 

I think it's the main people, not the casualties who tried these games.

The people who want to act like it was all sunshine and roses, and not something that was a long time coming... and that they had no idea why you left, I cannot stand that mentality. "Trust yourself" is getting me through any moments of backtracking or self-doubt.

Not the hyper-controlling possessive ones acting confused...

Again, some were casualties by association, some had their claws way too deep into my psyche.

Ongoing gut-checks will tell you if rekindling is even a healthy option (for all).

I don't think that it's acceptable to impose your own worldview on someone else when it clearly does not fit their situation, there are so many grey areas in life. The best advice is follow your heart and make sure it feels good in your gut. All else may be control.

Giving up control over your path and choices in life is not a sign of respect to any authority or person, it's codependence and self-abandonment as if anyone else knows you better than the person who walked in your shoes your whole life. Controlling people and I aren't a match.

I knew it was orchestrated by people I no longer deal with! God told me to pause and gather information for over a year to spot patterns first.

If anyone has any info that you need me to know before I continue to investigate the identity thieves, social media account hackers, Shopify hackers, gym stalker who seemed scripted, IRL monitoring spirits who mimicked my schedule and were un-natural in trying to run into me, security camera hackers, cars following my Uber, etc.:

info@selfloveandfitness.com

If you know me or work with me IRL, please do not share any contact information or any information about me: if someone claims to know me or be close to me, why don't they have contact information for me already? Why would they have to go through a third-party? Oh the irony!

Smear campaign me all you want, I can investigate it easily. I have extremely good intuition.

I will accept any insulting and degrading label before I accept people back in that have no ability to take ownership for their part.

Loving guidance is uplifting, but walking on someone, controlling them, acting like they're crazy for not allowing you to impose a certain path on them, making it seem like they have a problem for choosing their inner voice over codependence (erosion of mental freedom) is not it.

Anyone who wants to sweep it under the rug and act like nothing happened is actually asking you to delay your healing even further. If they're not interested in the parameters with moving forward, then there's no reason to keep them in your life.

I do think that sometimes you have to distance yourself from the circumstances that caused your need for healing in the first place, and nobody has a right to try to rush your process and deny what you need to heal from (adding insult to injury).  

The assumption that you didn't try to work it out is also very odd. You probably did try. They will never admit that though. 

Does the thought of adding them back into your life make you happy or does it drag your energy down?

Do they corner you using your work information/using others sent to spy on you because they know that if they didn't corner you, you wouldn't let them back in? Is that what it is?

When you have a relationship with God, the Universe and a small yet mighty circle, don't be fooled to think that quantity is more important than quality. 

Life is too short to deal with people who make you feel bad for exercising your boundaries (as if they somehow were allowed to undermine you) and try exert excessive control over your mind (walking on you). That's unhealthy. Mutual respect in any relationship is key to longevity. 💯

Those who choose you actually choose you, while they may not always agree with your decisions, they will never undermine you or try to hijack your entire brain and autonomy. You will never find them being hyper-controlling either. Any interfering will be with your consent.

People who tell you to follow your heart, and your own guidance are the most empowering people to be around. The disempowering and controlling people who act like they're the Messiah over your life and if you don't listen to them: then you're a terrible person and you have issues may not be for you.

I feel like God is really trying to cement some people in but also also cement some people out before things get really fast up in here because I've been feeling like there are some manifestations that are just waiting for me to make decisive choices when it comes to my circle.

Again... It is deceptive and chaos-like to use sneaky/undermining (laced with fake sweetness) tactics because they have no other means of access to a person, but genuine people leave the ball in your court and understand that they cannot rush your healing process.  

I don't want to be around people who I need to recover from being around. I don't want to be around people who think that a healing journey is fast. I don't want to be around people who make me apologize for needing healing because it inconveniences their delusion of sunshine. 

People growing apart naturally or needing to break away in order to heal generational curses and trauma is not necessarily an inappropriate response to a wildly messed up childhood. You need some distance to heal sometimes, genuine souls "get" the concept of self-preservation.

If someone is taking roundabout and manipulative ways to try to get back into your life, and they're not being upfront about their real reasons and being underhanded, then it's going to leave you with an icky feeling in your gut, and it's important to take heed.

Healing was the main reason that I needed to take my space from certain things/situations/people...

It would have been adding insult to injury to deny me of being able to do that and constantly re-exposing me to reminders (that's not a lack of strength or ability to set limits, un-necessary triggers must be removed in order to heal especially if excess recovery is involved). There is no timeline on it either. 

People who want you to act like nothing happened and sweep it under the rug are asking you to put their delusion ahead of your own healing and comfort. Addressing things head on and moving forward with parameters is emotional intelligence.

"Letting go of the past" doesn't mean denying your healing in the process. You're not expected to keep absorbing shocks and catering to those inconvenienced by your truth.

You have a right to parameters, disconnection where necessary, and your own unique healing without bulldozers who try to sneak their way in without a serious/dire reason.

Letting people make their own mistakes (if the choices they make end up being one) and then still being there for them if they do teaches them more than having your claws in their mind (controlling their every move). It is a very conditional way of showing love as well...

You're not lacking resilience or strength for not wanting to have to constantly recover from people who aren't right for you, that is toxic loyalty and shaming yourself for your unique healing process which is valid. It lacks truth, authenticity, and clarity if you self-abandon. ✨

Loving guidance does not mean driving around someone's entire mind and being or imposing your misperceptions on them which may have a negative impact. Listening to your inner voice doesn't mean you do not love others, it means that you're not here to be walked on or controlled like a puppet who lives for them and abandons yourself for them. 

It's not just enduring any trauma, it's the people calling you a messed up person for needing distance to heal yourself as if more therapy would have changed the valid requirement of self-preservation in situations that were unsafe to be around? How dare you protect yourself! You're so sensitive! Such people truly are not trauma-informed and had no clue what they were talking about. Life is better when we mind our business. 

You're a poorly developed person to anyone who thinks there is only one way to heal and that self-preservation is a horrible thing when that's the only option you had left. It's not as if these decisions were not a long-time coming.

You healing yourself causes healing towards generational curses (a wider ripple effect), real selfish, I know!

✨ Those disturbed by your authenticity, your truth, your healing process and doing what is best for your mental peace are probably not aligned with you. Those willing to evolve with you and capable of seeing contextual gray areas (rather than pure dogma) are for you. ✨

Why would you be worried about anyone who is disturbed by your authenticity and whose love for you is so conditional that they're mad they could not mould you as only one way of living your life would be acceptable to them, forget having respect for your mental peace and safety and you being the one who has lived your actual life situations? 

We do want to show love to people we love, but self-erasure and forgoing your personal agency over your mind and life isn't love: it is codependency and someone else trying to make you responsible for their feelings and asking you to deny your own truth and trauma as if you have no right to your feelings about what you experienced in life (adding insult to injury, thus doubling the trauma and healing time).  

The problem with energetic disturbances is that they will affect the flow of abundance, they won't necessarily cut off your abundance, but they might actually stall further abundance, purpose, and creativity, how much of that can we really afford in the very short life that we have? 

Anyone mad you did not take their advice was seeking superiority over you, not to treat you like an equal.

Not only do controlling relationships begin with unhealthy attachments, they expect you to live your life accordingly to their rigid script (if you deviate from what they want from you or what they want you to do: there's something wrong with you or you're not living correctly).

A controlling person will be insulted by your so-very-disrespectful audacity to think for yourself as an autonomous being who has the right to choices in life, they don't like your humanity, autonomy, and your free will. It erodes their sense of power/control over you.

You can live accordingly to your own values and not change your path in life to please anyone who has a problem with it as long as you harm no one, bother no one, and infringe on no else's rights.

Ultimately, no one has dominion over another person just because they used to be in your life or whatever other reason that territorial people use to erode your difficult decision to have let them go.

There are people who will never understand you, so you will never be good enough for them no matter what you do. They will just look at what you didn't do instead of what you did do. These same people were super inconsistent with you, so the irony is hilarious.

✨✨✨

Forgiveness is not:

Re-trust
Re-entry
Re-conciliation
Re-injury
Re-exposure

Guarding your heart isn't weak and you do not need to prove your strength by re-exposure for pointless reasons either, self-preservation is self-respect. 

✨✨✨

*Freedom over your own mind is basic. No one has a right to insert themselves in that space and try to take it over. You have a right to consideration and you do matter, especially in your own life. Be empowered.*

You can always love and honour people from a safe distance.

If protecting your peace (proactively avoiding danger, not because you lack coping mechanisms, but because you have a right to protect yourself) causes you to be the villain in someone else's story, that's fine.

Selfish is acting like someone else needs to live their life in a way that makes you happy or acting like they owe you this (infringing on their freedom over their own life / mind), self-respect is living according yo your dreams, while harming no one. There is a big difference.

Life is too short for feeling "less than" due to your choices potentially being different than some arbitrary made-up "norm" that doesn't take into account grey areas or feeling weak for choosing self-preservation in impossible circumstances most people could not withstand.

The only thing that a person that truly loves you would want from you is for you to be happy and healthy and nothing further (all else is mutual choice). Clinging is unhealthy attachment and codependency. Asking someone to mortgage their whole future and exist for someone else's purposes is codependency.

They would not try to make you live for them or make you their puppet/walk on you.

You value is not based on how well you meet the expectations of those who see you as an extension of themselves, rather than a whole person with your own thoughts, needs and feelings.

Genuine people want to see you happy and want your wellness (mutually so), that's literally it. All else is really awesome, but a bonus.

Authenticity seeks resonance, not validation because respect lasts longer than fleeting opinions, fleeting validation, and fleeting codependent attachment. Grounded in your truth and passion/purpose is a more fulfilling life.