A New Level?

On the last six months...

I feel like I graduated life school.

Not only did I process things in real time so that the baggage is less heavy gradually, I broke up with the idea that we don't have time to fall... the moment I knew I needed a serious full-stop: I let myself fall. This was flight training, the deeper my fall was, the higher my future flight levels will be and I held onto this notion the entire time (resilience).

I needed to fall into the darkness that was my life at the time fully because it would have never gotten better. I had no idea that I would ever rise again this quickly, and I didn't think I would for a while but the vision of higher heights mentally kept me going.

Had I not put the emergency brakes on all my lines of work (which are not the cause of this by the way) I would have never had my diagnosis revived and brought back to the surface, I would have never obtained such self-knowledge. It got pretty serious when I stopped offering one on one coaching. I am not someone who will ever put the emergency brakes on unless it's bad, and it was. My lack of awareness of the level of the ADHD at the time triggered my anxiety, and it then triggered a very deep depression. My pace was not the issue, the lack of proper carrying methods for the loads was the issue. 

In the past, I had natural mechanisms in place that were simply organic, but I was never consciously aware of them as a base foundation that needed to stay. The reason I allowed those methods and mechanisms to change is varied, but I was never consciously aware of why I was doing the things that I was doing to cope, and why it was working, so because I didn't know it was working, I just switched it up for no good reason... and completely shot myself in doing so. Now I'm looking back at what changed in the past six months, and I realize what happened. I will spare you the details though. But I can talk about how I felt.

It was like a walking a dark path with not even a glimmer of light, but still continuing to walk knowing that my survival instinct will get me through (the only way out is through). I utilized my intuition every single step of the way with absolutely no instructions on how to navigate this storm from hell. 

The Universe pulled through with more resources than I could ever imagine, and for that I will be forever grateful.

I felt kicked by life when I was down: at my most vulnerable, trying new medication with protests around me, people setting fires to buildings, people flying planes over my building... Having seen a real war as a child when I was in another country, the tactics used by the organizers were war-like. They also had horses, arms, and military-level intelligence for organizing the events. At the time, I was also feeling like no one understood me, I felt as though my safety was endangered (and it was), I thought it was just anxiety behind the storm... but knowing that the ADHD is dominant makes so much more sense. It's like my brain coming back from the dead... I came back 10 times stronger though... It's not that I never broke down and cried and felt deeply (feel it to heal it, process it to release it), I still feel, but that I am stronger because of it and I feel like my fortitude was tested by life and I passed. I was still able to champion-mindset my way out of that storm. Things changed quickly when I stopped expecting anything to be different and started where I was at that moment. I took the hating "what is" out of my mindset.

It doesn't matter how unfair life can be, we must still focus on our destination and love the twisty journey as much as we can, as any other mindset doesn't serve us positively. 

So it's not never crying/falling: but using it as a levelling up moment. It is very true that the world may not be where we need it to be with awareness about mental health as we may still feel ashamed of it, it is very true that not everybody knows everything about it and raising awareness can be annoying, but if we allow our circumstances to slow us down and mess with our path that we should own regardless of anyone else, we will never get to where we want to go.

There may malicious people in our past who hated our initiative/drive and mocked us no matter how lovingly kind we were to them, there may be injustices in the world, but if we stop at every barking dog, we will never get to our destination. I think the lesson is also to get so strong that it doesn't matter who gets us and who doesn't, it begins with self-acceptance and the right people (quality over quantity).

Short of sounding callous, the other lesson here is to avoid expecting those in the world who aren't educated in these matters to give you what you need, once you provide yourself that security from within, the Universe will put people on your path who understand you.

Having had my personality taken out of context my entire life was hard, it still is, but it was only ever done by temporary people (biased humiliators, overlap defenders, innovation shunners, time wasters, and boundary punishers are temporary). 

Not knowing/understanding/liking something or someone is not an excuse for unleashing insecurity-fuelled wrath (misunderstanding is not hate-fuelled, hate is a conscious choice)... But karma is a beauty! ✨

All I know, whatever the future may hold, is that I can do anything even if I doubt myself sometimes, and so can you, we all can thrive.