Taking Our Power Back By Creating JOY & Success
Sexual assault and toxic-abusive relationships
Am I a fitness coach? Yes. Do I have a story? Also yes.
Let's talk resilience and situations where fighting back is not always the best option as the very situations requiring that are usually not aligned with our authentic fullest expression and full potential.
The only reason to fight is to demonstrate how much certain things made you suffer, but rational and logical people wouldn't need explanations in the first place for the basics so that energy is best spent building MASSIVE success? No? Without them, despite them and their attempts to derail your life financially and otherwise. Weak people are simply intimidated by the slightest competition, how sad.
I am not saying that people should not stand up for themselves to a certain extent but not to the extent where it drains mental resources that are best spent crafting a better future than what shady situations would provide you. While standing up for ourselves is how we make change happen, there are situations where the energy that is required to talk sense into certain people is best spent on building out your wildest dreams, and that energy will give you a bigger payout financially and otherwise than fighting what is not for you.
WHY fight for the basics from people who cannot naturally give you the basics, who wants to deal with that? Not me. Any situation or partnership I have walked away from in the past seemed like a massive bias-filled injustice; however, I would not have built a personal brand from scratch and generated sales before my catalog was even live if it wasn't for the deep desire to never again rely on a single source of income. They know better, they knew better, they bullied me because they could, he assaulted me with impunity because he could. His tearing down of my dignity and my worth was only an attempt at ending because the appraisal of my worth from such a cockroach sad-excuse-for-a-human who goes around mistreating women for fun is not going to affect my overall confidence for very long. It affected my sense of safety and it did affect my finances for a bit, but I would be so far behind where I am now in life had I stayed. I am still shocked that something so crazy (being assaulted in a group setting) had to happen for me to leave. I could not leave sooner (on my own accord) as I had not built out a significant emergency fund and I thought it would get better, what the actual...
Some of my sources of income were reliable, but it's not even about trustworthiness at some point... It's about accepting the desire within me to create something that I own and direct, even if that may be on the side.
Accepting what is, if you're in a shady situation or walked away from any shady situations in the past, WHILE building what you want is probably one of the most freeing energies to walk this planet with, I learned this the hard way.
I spent so much time hating those who harmed/violated/assaulted me - not saying that processing emotions is bad - but I could have started my brand much sooner. Forgiveness is not about allowing losers near you, forgiveness is simply not allowing them to rent space in your head longer than is necessary.
Attraction implies respect for humanity so you respect their space, time, and nature of the relationship (business) before even thinking of asking for ***consent*** before crossing a line otherwise it is objectification for what you want from them (no longer viewing them as a professional or what not) and not respecting professional nature (disgusting and the you can't help who you love argument is flawed as it implies people are out of control stone age apes).
Attraction is respectful, so what is the concept of crossing lines without consent? Degradation into an inanimate object - not considering the comfort of the recipient of unwanted actions/looks and not even asking permission before crossing a line, gross disgusting donkeys.
It is disrespecting the nature of the professional relationship and changing the nature of it without express permission, it is beyond presumptuous. It is also presumptuous to push unwanted social relationships on subordinates and act like a victim when they rightfully refuse, what did you hire them for, bozo?
Overfamiliarity (without out any pre-existing relationship aka imposing intimacy is not the same as genuine warmth and friendliness which is being personable not personal) assumes trust/trespasses boundaries, while friendliness/caring/being personable builds trust while respecting the business nature of a business relationship. Overfamiliarity does not precede any professional collaboration and personal intimacy is never a requirement, you can get to know your colleagues and managers without invading their space in any way shape or form. Objectifying others means doing things to them and saying things to them that are only appropriate an intimate personal relationships - when you are not in that type of relationship with them. You are dehumanizing the recipient by not considering their comfort or consent. And genuine attraction actually is respectful and would never cross a business boundary to begin with, especially not without express consent and at least minor attempts at getting to know the person beyond the surface level (slime bags benefit from rushing trust).
The issue with using "attraction" or "you can't control attraction" or going as far as saying "you can't control love" as an excuse is very delusional because people who are genuinely attracted to another person actually go through the gradual steps of trying to obtain a gradually familiar relationship with that person, people who are using that "attraction" excuse as a ploy for their bad intentions go straight for the kill of performing non-consensual acts or visually violating another human under the guise of friendliness (objectifying, dehumanizing, sexualizing, and so on).
If it was a genuine interest in another person, the display and the actual process of conducting/building that relationship would be filled with respect, honour, and consideration.
Consideration is the opposite of objectification, whether it's making comments on someone's appearance that are inappropriate, staring at them, assaulting them, none of that is based on attraction, all of that is based on grabbing power by putting someone else down subtly so that it gets easily excused when they know exactly what they are doing and they make it subtle on purpose. Again, attraction is a positive thing, attraction is actually rooted in respect and admiration, so that's not the right way to frame these issues. It also implies that attraction makes people into some sort of stone age ape who can't control themselves, which doesn't make any sense.
The very first problem is assuming familiarity based on gender, because women by virtue of being women are supposed to be open to all sorts of boundary invasions that happen without the other person earning their trust in the first place if they even want that type of relationship (but why would they in a professional setting)? Why would you assume intimacy in assuming a stranger wants to comment on their body from you? Why would you assume the intimacy that it's acceptable to ask a coworker to get drunk/hammered upon first meeting them? Why would you stare at them degradingly? Why would you assault them? Even assault is not acceptable in intimate relationships and neither is degrading staring, but you get what I'm saying. These are all things that typically are more accepted in VERY intimate relationships, but assuming intimacy based on gender because somehow women are supposed to just be open like the meat market is disgusting and archaic and perpetuated by power-hungry slobs who feel a need to violate others to big-up their ego.
Trust me when I say: that only people with low self-esteem, easily intimidated people, and people who get fake power by trying to use gender or other protected-class traits to dominate others ... feel a need to push others around/put them down/infringe on people's rights just to feel powerful/a high/alive. How dead does your soul have to be if you resort to being a garbage person? People who are secure and happy in their own lives don't do that. Jealous/fake/shady people who feel insignificant and unsure of their value/insecure about the status of their own worth and significance do resort to some shady AF stuff. They may continue to get away with it, but we can continue to build our dreams in their faces.
How do bonds form? Basic respect, basic asking permission if it’s okay to cross XYZ lines which are INNATE, impositions are perpetuated by the entitled arrogant ones. They’ll even take basic boundaries personal, they’ll switch up on you when you push back no matter how nicely, can’t win the haters who are haters under the guise of “friendly” when their reaction to you standing up for yourself will show their true colours as retaliation comes in many forms and those who have previously dealt with them may not have been targeted as they do not target anyone, weak men despite ambitious strong women.
Those who behave this way and those who defend/condone them will land a serious dose of karma and frankly - living within their sick minds is probably punishment enough. I would never want to be known as an unethical manipulator who defended bad behaviour to any extent and did as little as possible for the (rightful) victim. Delusional people have a way of attacking your perception and twisting facts, this is how they escape accountability.
Living with their low standards of dignity and respect is probably weird/sad enough. What’s crazier than entitlement to intimacy with someone you just met? Those who defend the stupidity as friendliness, no, no, no. Grow up, trust is earned.
They have to be miserable/delusional/poorly raised to behave that way and need to be told certain things aren't acceptable to start with. They must have to be miserable to feel a need to judge how others spend their time as well, but it must be jealousy or something. To mentally still be a child at a certain adult age and need to have the basics spelled out only works for so long.
I am not saying that anyone should not be affected by bullying on any spectrum, or set the proper limits and consequences if needed, I am just saying that the energy and the mental bandwidth that is required to fight certain people are usually not worth it and I chose to put that money into building a brand from scratch, and I think it's working for me. I do not desire justice from a situation incapable of being innately ethical, why would I expect water from a rock? What is the point of getting justice/admission of fault/ and respect where it is not freely given? Who needs the approval of such people? Not me.
I was able to find professional (yet genuinely caring) suppliers who respect my time, great brand partnerships, and other business contacts who are ethical without it needing to be spelled out. Imagine being around people who don't need to be explained the definition of ethics or bias-free? They exist.
I have learned that the more I allow what has hurt me to haunt me, the more I'm paying the price.
Such gremlins and cockroaches are straight-up distractions, if we fight them, we feed them. If we put that time and money into our brands, we can entertain their boring lives with our success.
Life is not always fair, but the Universe naturally redirects us from time to time.
Whack AF domineering and controlling sad souls prey upon the strong as the victory is sweeter. I do not believe I have ever been picked on by someone smarter than me.
People behave like jerks from the status of their own significance and if we cannot immediately remove ourselves, we can build our own confidence and venture to eventually leave (abusive relationships for example, always plan your EXIT at the first sign of a person in authority putting the fake image of the institution above your psychological safety). I wish I had built my business during that super-toxic/abusive business partnership I was in. That one was being like on set of a porn movie where every interaction was sexually charged and you would be shunned if you said anything, many people choose their rent money and I don't blame them, in adding skills to my repertoire, I have more freedom to get the hell out and fast, thankfully!
Learn from my mistakes and do something before you have to do something because the Universe forces you to.
I am confident that people who are backward in their thinking and condone BS to any extent will cause their own business or organization to implode on their own. While I did sign an NDA, I can tell you for a fact that the swamp (porno set) is not doing so well. Invertebrates are never as successful as they may seem on the surface because true success is REAL confidence from within, which is something that a bully will never experience in their lifetime, they are too busy nitpicking, bulldozing, discouraging the ambitions of others, and even assaulting others to big themselves up, gross.
You can show yourself some self-love by starting your exit plan, I could not leave that past trash garbage BS partnership right away at the time, but I could have crafted an exit at a reasonable pace while continuing to pay my bills. I had something part-time on the side during that partnership (not sufficient), but nothing good comes from the desperation of not being able to meet your obligations (that shuts off the vessels to abundance energy)... so meeting financial obligations in the present moment matters - while working for MORE or better is probably best. I am not addressing situations where your immediate safety and life are in danger in this post and I am not an expert in that, but I am speaking from my own experience on handling toxic while building better (I forgot the building better during that toxic-AF partnership, I was in survival mode, now I know how to transcend stupidity and build better and I wish I had done so during that point in my life).
The last thing is to not make decisions because a cockroach is pushing you to, and so try to leverage the BS as much as you can to fuel your success. Do not let such species be a factor (of course, unless your immediate safety is in danger). I mean, it does suck to be screwed out of massive amounts of money due to shady situations, but I know we will make that money back in no time as we leverage adversity to our advantage.
Let's not let them win by delaying our purpose, wasting our time (further than handling the bullshit, while focusing in the good), or distracting us even further.
Although this mostly is about a past business partnership, I have sadly been in a few workplaces who defended gross objectifying un-wanted (un-asked for) leering / staring / invading personal space in a non-crowded setting as "friendly" and "warmth" and I was "incapable of warmth" - hilarious levels of gaslighting... in what healthy workplace do people take such liberties and express even praise by TOUCHING EACH OTHER? I even once had to explain to a male manager to use verbal expressions of praise with me, he was shocked I had boundaries around my dignity... It's as if I took away one of his entitlements, but genuine kind souls do not react with hostility or retaliation to boundaries. He had such a sexist attitude too... Genuine people don't put their ego above the basic dignity of the recipient and such people will find ways to vilify, discredit, punish you and hold you back.
If you're going through anything similar or have gone through anything similar and need validation amidst insanely invalidating rape-culture apologists...
When you speak up, the right people will hear you, the wrong ones will find ways to punish you with baseless demonization... the problem is the problem, not the person pointing it out, that’s how you can identify easily who / what is worth it, and who is not worth it.
The Ontario Human Rights Commission lists these examples of behaviour that were deemed to be sexual or gender-based harassment (does not include everything):
- demanding hugs
- invading personal space
- unnecessary physical contact, including unwanted touching
- derogatory language and/or comments toward women (or men, depending on the circumstances), sex-specific derogatory names
- leering (inappropriate staring)
- gender-related comment about a person’s physical characteristics or mannerisms
- comments or conduct relating to a person’s perceived non-conformity with a sex-role stereotype
- displaying or circulating pornography, sexual pictures or cartoons, sexually explicit graffiti, or other sexual images (including online)
- sexual jokes, including circulating written sexual jokes (e.g. by e-mail)
- spreading sexual rumours (including online)
- requiring an employee to dress in a sexualized or gender-specific way
I am going to end this post by listing mantras that have helped me:
The abuse was not my fault, but healing is my responsibility. Women are NOT supposed to walk around the world expecting to be naturally un-boundaried and have their free will hijacked by jerks. There are dignified ways to connect... don’t let anyone call you cold or incapable of warmth for refusing to accept unwanted intimacy, unwanted affection, unwanted nicknames, unwanted personal space invasions, that’s entitlement, RUN. Organic bonds won’t need forcing.
I am not my abuse, that was them putting their own pain into my reality through disgusting actions. I no longer need to suffer for it, I release it, and I release them (we do not need to have anything to do with past abusers to prove our forgiveness).
Forgiveness does not forgo safety.
I do not owe trust, it is earned.
I can take ownership and teach myself what the true definition of love, professionalism, healthy business partnerships, and healthy personal relationships is and what it means to me. I can relearn these concepts to better identify and detect shady shit in the future.
While I am not responsible for the abuse or abusive/disgraceful behaviour, I am responsible for forging ahead, while processing emotions in full, because they are not going to stop me from loving myself and living my best life.
I do not need apologies from anyone who invalidated my humanity by objectifying me (deeply infringing on protected-class level rights) in the first place.
I used to wait around for the fake "friends" I had at the time to believe me or anyone in a position of power to take a stance and validate/honour me. Now I know to honour myself, even if it means walking away from anyone who fails to remedy disgusting situations should I ever have to run into cockroaches again. (We cannot expect weak people bound by convenience and doing the least amount of work possible to take a stance and protect us - those people were not my friends, I had to become my own best friend. Fending for myself is ownership, it's not sad, it is freedom, it is empowering to not expect anyone to get me what I need or to do for me what I needed to do for myself).
Self-compassion is knowing we are not wrong and we are not the abuse - that is the stuff of the abuser that they put on you (hate, venom, harassment, assault), so if we are not wrong and the abuse does not belong to us : we have nothing to blame ourselves for. We still have healing to do, but the abuse goes straight back to the source - the abuser: so we move the responsibility of the burden of carrying the abuse (symbolically) back to them by not taking on the burden of shame. I know what it feels like to be gaslit for the convenience of others, to be given crumbs as remedies, and what it is like to be verbally and physically dragged by insecure dingbats (abusers) all for the own gratification of something deeply missing in their life. Does it not feel lighter to mentally release the abuse and put it back in their hands? We are NOT our abuse.
Few more thoughts as I end this post...
We all get to choose to which extent to fight whatever battle, do you, but stay crowned in resilience while doing so and evaluate the extent and how worthy such creatures are of your time.
Me creating a path for myself is showing others that they do not need to play in a foolish system and we can create our own, to any extent, side-hustle or full-blown empire, the world is ours and we are the drivers. They may have pushed us down, but we can drive ourselves to better places crowned in resilience.
Consciousness is moving forward in love for ourselves first and implementing strong daily self-care practices and this can mean discipline and doing the stuff we don't want to do - but this will dig up some deep truths that we have to address about the direction our life is going in and who we are allowing in the driver's seat if we're not the ones driving already. I would advise against giving away our power to people who are not going to help us (people in authority who suck) and pour that drive back into our own ventures.
Considering yourself first is not selfishness, it is a vessel through which you can serve others by pouring into yourself first.
Showing up for yourself 100% is the vessel through which all your blessings will flow.
Handle it, while focusing on the good:
Withdraw your attention from them, not because they deserve a free pass, but because you deserve JOY and creating abundance and thinking about them doesn't feel good and you deserve to not carry them as an energetic block. The real injustice would be giving your power away and your focus away to them instead of creating your best life and going after your goals, so being distracted by them is the real injustice here. I'm not saying that you should want to continue to be around certain people and that you shouldn't set limits for your interactions if you cannot avoid them altogether, but I'm also saying that allowing them so much power over your mind that they are distracting you from your vision, your joy, and your purpose, is so not ideal. Of course handle the emotions, and flow through them, but there's a limit.
As well, unconditional love for yourself is loving yourself regardless of what was done to you, I'm not asking you to look at these people or the things that they did something positive when it's actually horrible, I'm just suggesting that you continue to be in alignment with your highest possible potential regardless of what was done to you so that you don't allow them mental real estate further than the lessons or the energy and the fuel that can be taken, so basically they're not overstaying their welcome in your mind.
Why would you make such people so important to be able to dim your shine, derail your path, and ruin your energy? I'm not asking you to not judge what happened to you, I'm simply suggesting that you stop needing the past to be any different in order for you to build a future that absolutely love - using where you are as a strategic springboard (contrasting or negative event) - make the most of the lessons and watch yourself fly higher than you ever thought possible due to using the losers as fuel.
I am not saying not to stand up for yourself but some systems are skewed from the get-go, creating your own even on the side could be an outlet... I am saying that the indiscretions of others do not have to have the power to alter your well-being to the point of disarray.
The best is yet to come.