There Are No Words

There Are No Words

I opted for relaxation tonight due to starting Strattera (ADHD)... similar minor side effects as Fetzima (anxiety). All it is: minor head rushes. The difference between zaps (head shocks) and rushes is that rushes are not incapacitating. I couldn't even speak/think/write properly back then, let alone function/eat/sleep with zaps coming at any time of day, with no stop button.

Now, I know that the trial period of an anxiety medication is a few weeks max and ADHD is 5 days. ADHD medication has an immediate effect, the determinant of whether something is working or not (for me) isn't necessarily "how fast" it gets to working, but are the side effects showing me that it is acting on the correct neuro-pathways? This is especially true for anxiety medication. The ADHD ones are faster acting so the judge of workability is what are the side effects at any dose and is it working quickly (due to the speed at which it is intended to work)?

I have been prescribed different medications in the past during Uni, but I never really knew what they were for to the extent of my new level of consciousness around it (at this level of awareness), and I never really knew that ADHD was dominant until now (revived diagnoses). It was not enough to say that I had generalized anxiety disorder because some of the symptoms could not be explained by that. I love that I realize now that the ADHD is what needs to be managed first, and if that doesn't get managed, then the anxiety gets triggered, and then if that gets triggered and everything goes to absolute hell, then episodic depression kicks in.

I now can answer all these questions and more:

Why do I get a second wind energy at night time?

Why am I wired at night time despite my relaxation routine?

Why do my symptoms happen mostly at night times sometimes (the battery is slow in the morning though)?

Why do I need time without notifications interrupting my flow when doing focused work? 

Why do I have trouble waking up in the morning no matter how much I love my life?

Why do I depend on a slightly later start for my days? Although this is standard flexibility for the most part in most businesses, I never understood it fully.

Why can I be in the gym for 2+ hours straight without being tired?

Why does water cool me down so much?

Why do I not like being slowed down when in my zone?

Why do I depend on the steam room as much for my inflammation?

Why do I have a burst of energy where I can sprint for hours but sometimes less time?

Where do my workaholic tendencies come from? Do inefficient workflows with no benefit for clients trigger it? 

Why does missing the gym trigger my ADHD?

Why does it even matter that my workouts double up as me-time and that I cannot tolerate group exercise because exercise is a form of therapy for me (unless I am in a teaching situation)?

Why was I even ashamed of my coping skills?

Words cannot express the joy and elation of no longer wondering what was happening and the level of dominance of ADHD over the anxiety and how this isn’t suppressing my inner fire, it is putting back in the driver’s seat. I see more clearly now.

I am tailoring my diet and fitness even more and my inflammation also feels better. I just feel like now more than ever, I got myself back. It's going to be a tailoring phase for all areas of my life now and I now have super clear criteria for how I can be optimally contributing. 

The idea of sticking to plans that don't work is perpetuated by inflexibility and can be disastrous, now that I know that, I can choose my partnerships more wisely.

I need flexible principles that are adaptable in-real-time to a certain extent, but with some structure. 

I also own my needs for/ways to recharge and my mental health precedes any impact as I need to be here for the long haul... and anyone who chooses to view a health focus as a lack of dedication (each area of life has its lane) has a thinking challenge.

Compilation of past lessons and experiences I have witnessed happen to others/myself and that are likely not unique to just me and that many others may have experienced in their own life:

When anyone has the audacity to view people who simply function differently as people who function poorly... making assumptions rather than asking questions, a boundary within us has to go up, critical self-preservation and not triggering even more nervous breakdowns from being around that.

Our wellness, security, and mental health is more important than what anyone chooses to think about new boundaries (how dare we respect ourselves, how dare we).

If someone has it in them to make assumptions about someone else's mental health - when they are clearly struggling/in a crisis - in a manner that is negative and the opposite of curious/genuine questions - that is a show of their character not ours. It is very important not to take that lack of awareness/interest in educating themselves personally because to give that much value to people who have contributed so little to your professional development/growth is an absurdly futile waste of time.

Regardless, the only thing that matters right now is that I design my life accordingly to my newfound understanding of what my conditions are as I feel my best when I contribute my best (using all of my past experiences as data). Actions matter more than anything, and the biggest mistake I made in the past was expecting my needs to be met by people who were unwilling to take action. Enough energy to fabricate / look for flaws, yet not enough energy to listen? 

Back to the happiness of this whole journey, there are no words to express my gratitude for knowing what was happening with the ADHD.

I accomplished more than what I passed up during this time. 

The things I need in my daily life to function at my best may not be preferences for a certain lifestyle, they're actually health requirements, but who I choose to surround myself with will absolutely be based on mere preferences. 

The world is changing so we don’t have to go work for ourselves entirely to get basic flexibility anymore, and I think it’s beautiful to find aligned situations.

Lastly, correcting misunderstandings about you to those creative enough to make out-of-context assumptions about your boundaries / mental health / lifestyle is giving away your power, never explain. The right people don’t need it, and you can’t control the filters of the wrong people.