May 2, 2023

What Forgiveness Is and Is Not / It's Your life

What Forgiveness Is and Is Not / It's Your life: Let No One Over-Ride Your Dignity

Forgiveness is for YOU:
• It’s not for them.
• You don’t need an apology.
• It’s not re-instating trust.
• It’s not reconciliation. You should not be expected to be around anyone who has harmed you to begin with (hurt is distinct from harm).

Forgiveness does NOT forgo safety.

Forgiveness is not required for healing and telling people to forgive is a boundary violation (telling them how to feel or telling them about themselves).

Moving with caution does not mean you're living in the past and forgiveness has nothing to do with forgetting or allowing them back in.

It's like... you can forgive people, but still not give them access to you because it's not even about whether or not they're going to do it again it's about healing from the first cuts and being worth more than what they can offer/have offered (pain).

It is no longer being mentally trapped by pain that needn’t overstay past its expiry.

We can speak up in all areas of life; however, limit the real estate it takes (like a worry journal, for instance).

That said, we cannot get past what we fully process in as much depth as needed because what we resist will persist. Healing isn’t linear.

Personal boundaries are only injuries to people who do not wish to respect you. No one who values you is going to be offended at you being the main character of your life! Some people think that you existing as a sovereign being is offensive and disrespectful because they couldn't get what they wanted from you and your delivery and tone had nothing to do with it. They also don't take into consideration their own approach, which is also hilarious.

You don't have to expedite your healing process for anyone else's convenience, because that actually dehumanizes your entire pain experience and you don't have to cycle around the wilderness of the fire that you were put through, it is very important to process it in-depth, and in as much detail as needed, and for the length of time that works for you.

Healing is not linear, it might come back and hit you like a ton of bricks when you least expect it.

If you weren’t afflicted, you would not have the necessary discernment.

Just because certain people would prefer to ignore your pain and pretend that nothing happened does not mean you have to cave into that. They should know that you'll move differently around them, they're otherwise delusional to think they had no part to play.

You having to take care of yourself first is inconveniencing them because they believe they can control you and you have no right to choices and that you exist for them, so they’ll paint you out to be evil/difficult/selfish. Being personally responsible and refusing to endanger the conditions to your mental health which serve to protect your personal responsibilities is being a good steward to your resources. It preserves your right to choices.

You do not need to spend energy you do not have. You don't need to over-function for anything and anyone. It should be rewarding you for what you give it and it should be equal. You should not need to rob other areas of your life and so on.

Run toward pain (within reason), not away from it, and feel it fully to heal it.

People are free to view you as they please, they are free to think of you as they please, you cannot control *filters*, but you can control what you choose to tolerate and make non-negotiable. Do no harm and tolerate no harm. Don’t give a meter to those who take a mile. Neutrality for all, kindness for the reciprocal.

Let no one hold dominion over you (the parts that fully belong to you) to feed their false sense of power and ego, cut off people like that as quickly as possible.

You don't have to validate their perception of you by tolerating less than you deserve and failing to protect yourself in the future (self-preservation matters).

Those with similar childhoods can likely relate.

Abuse of any kind and invalidation of reality and impact will have you accept crumbs and all sorts of violations on various levels of intensity, oftentimes without recognizing it as a violation until later as some will use their intentions to justify disrespecting you in the first place and to continue to do so…

In any area of life, none of your boundaries are stupid or offensive, if it has to do with something that belongs to you, so your off time, money, personal space, hard work/knowledge, craft, business, anything that has to do with you is up to you (belongs to you) not them!

Lines you draw are not disrespecting or harming others, they’re protecting you and what is YOURS… YOU… so, anyone who takes it as an insult simply does not respect you, get those types of people as far away from you as you can!

Own your right to CHOICES. Remove from your life as much as possible: anyone offended by your free will in areas of life that are under your dominion and authority. Someone who over-rides free will once will do it again, your gut will reveal whether it is true care / help or a form of manipulation to create strings of obligation or dependency.

You don't have to feel bad for calling people out on something that you don't like being done to you just because they meant nothing by it.

Boundaries, lines, and limits are *not* cold, this is a manipulator's favourite way of acting like their supposed warmth justified your discomfort. Normal levels of mental / personal space are respectful, not cold. It's not normal to just insert yourself in other people's business without an invitation, for instance. What makes you think you're even welcome there? Who invited you? Who asked for your opinion? See? It's up to the recipient.

Being pleasant is human, being personal is for where it is warranted and wanted, there's a difference... Humanity is about dignified choice.

The only acceptable answer to being told to stop doing something is to stop doing that thing and probably apologizing. Meaning well does not forgo having the awareness over the impact of the action or inaction, if someone does not care about impact, this alone shows that they are likely using "well meaning" as a cover up and that it is insincere at best. Sincere people do not personalize it when those on the receiving end respond poorly fo anything well meaning either, well meaning does not mean it is needed or wanted, well meaning people don't over-ride the free will of others and respond to limits with cruelty.

Those who mean well are aware that a negative impact can still ensue from their actions or inactions and they care about the impact itself, they don't personalize the receiving end's response either.

Setting a boundary or a preference is not being riled up over nothing, they think that just because they meant no offense and they had good intentions that you don't have a right to state your piece on what is being done to you, which is false. You have ownership over you. They don't own you.

Being too personal and intrusive involves prying into someone's personal life without their consent or asking inappropriate questions. It can make the other person feel uncomfortable, violated, or even offended. Examples of being too personal and intrusive include asking about someone's salary, sex life, personal problems, or making direct or underhanded judgments about their lifestyle choices.

On the other hand, being personable and kind involves showing interest and concern for others in a respectful and appropriate manner. It means being friendly, warm, and empathetic towards others while still respecting their boundaries. Examples of being personable and kind include asking how someone's day is going, showing genuine concern for their well-being, and offering support and encouragement.

The key difference between the two is the level of respect for the other person's privacy and personal boundaries. Being too personal and intrusive ignores those boundaries, while being personable and kind respects them while still showing warmth and care.

We are not robots which is exactly why we should look at consent before crossing boundaries (personal choices) in the first place as you can be personable without being too personal, because unnecessary closeness is not humanizing at all, it is intrusive when imposed. It's actually dehumanizing the person from having rights and boundaries and standards and priorities!

You get to decide for yourself what meets your definition of acceptable/necessary vs. not in your life, schedule and so on, in a world of over-sharing: you have every right to refuse invasive questions or things you deem private: good people respect / honour free will (basic dignity and autonomy).

Good people do not act manipulative, entitled, or coercive.

Privacy is not cold. Forced intimacy of any sort is disgusting.

Privacy and space are the opposite of coercion and control (they're healthy), safe relationships don’t view differences as threats or normal boundaries around individual free choice / dignity in terms of getting personal (not same as personable) as an injury or make other people’s free will about them.

Someone exercising their free will / personal freedom / dignity in matters that they own is only seen as injurious to someone who could not control them and who is inconvenienced by them not seeing themselves through the lens of the controller (as not having free choice).

In essence, safe relationships don't act injured by normal boundaries and they understand the stages of trust, but also that pushing past certain lines is never owed.

Anyone who tries to take away your right to choices and tells you that you're over-reacting (or that they would not mind what it is that you mind or dislike) and tries to paint you as a villain: does not want to respect you, and they are saying that blatantly by the blame-shifting going on!

Needing healthy space overall is far from cold, it's just minding your own business.

Just because they don't see you as an autonomous being separate from their agenda does not mean that you have to tolerate any of it.

They want to take away your power over yourself and your autonomy by trying to make you defend or explain your boundary, especially when it has nothing to do with the business at hand, they are the ones trying to take more than what the original deal allows in the first place.

Safe connections include:
• Space
• Normal healthy boundaries not seen as instigating and they are certainly not internalized by a safe connection or made to mean anything about them
• Differences are respected
• Limits seen as normal

Unsafe connections throughout life usually come from haters (I am talking in all areas of life, personal life or otherwise). Haters may hate for various reasons, and it can depend on the individual circumstances.

I knew I had a different brain my whole life and I ran into certain people and situations that were not liking it and at the end of the day I’m still going places. Pleasing haters is not going to keep you safe, pleasing your health will. Haters hate themselves, so how can you possibly appease them? You can’t.

Here are some common reasons why people may become haters:

Insecurity: Haters may feel threatened by someone else's success, popularity, or confidence, and may try to bring them down to feel better about themselves.
Jealousy: Haters may feel jealous of someone else's possessions, relationships, or accomplishments, and may try to undermine them out of envy.
Misunderstandings: Haters may have misconceptions or misunderstandings about someone, their actions, or their beliefs, and may react negatively without trying to understand the other person's perspective.
Past negative experiences: Haters may have had negative experiences with someone or something that the person they are hating on is associated with, and may transfer those negative feelings onto the person or thing.
Personal issues: Haters may be dealing with personal issues such as stress, anxiety, depression, or anger, and may take out their negative feelings on others.

It's important to note that hating on others is never justified and can have serious negative consequences on both the hater and the person they are hating on. It's important to treat others with kindness and respect, even if you don't agree with them or like them.

Shaming you for independent thoughts (like you having basic and normal control over your own mind like a dignified individual with free will) and trying to bulldoze normal lines/boundaries (your right to choices) are signs of a control freak (get that out of your circle). 🚫

Safe connections understand that respect doesn’t require understanding or giving away your power through explanations. Healthy relationships don’t require you to explain yourself when you refuse something, you may choose to offer reasons willingly, but they’re not obligating you to do so and that’s a sign of health. There are no control tactics as in healthy connections, autonomy is respected.

Do not allow anyone external to you and your inner voice to dictate your path in life, don’t let anyone run up in your life and waste your mental bandwidth with their un-asked for opinions. You know what’s best for you.

Someone else agreeing or disagreeing with your truth - does not make your reality any less real. The only person who needs to understand you is you at the end of the day, so everyone else is a bonus. Accepting this has accelerated my healing and growth. 🙏

Your destiny isn’t dependent on:

• Anyone’s dislike for you / anyone who doesn’t “get” you

• Anyone or anything that has left your life

• Anything that hasn’t honoured you

The Universe / Source is the true vessel, anything above-mentioned is inconsequential.

Every human matters, and we wish them well, and we send them kindness, but not everybody is meant for us.

Only wholesome / consistent people deserve your kindness, it’s not worth investing in those who brought nothing positive to your life. It’s just the way it works, we reap what we sow.Back to the main subject ...

Submit to your healing process, not external voices. You own your story.

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