There Are No Words
I opted for relaxation tonight due to starting Strattera (ADHD)... similar minor side effects as Fetzima (anxiety). All it is: minor head rushes. The difference between zaps (head shocks) and rushes is that rushes are not incapacitating. I couldn't even speak/think/write properly back then, let alone function/eat/sleep with zaps coming at any time of day, with no stop button.
Now, I know that the trial period of an anxiety medication is a few weeks max and ADHD is 5 days. ADHD medication has an immediate effect, the determinant of whether something is working or not (for me) isn't necessarily "how fast" it gets to working, but are the side effects showing me that it is acting on the correct neuro-pathways? This is especially true for anxiety medication. The ADHD ones are faster acting so the judge of workability is what are the side effects at any dose and is it working quickly (due to the speed at which it is intended to work)?
I have been prescribed different medications in the past during Uni, but I never really knew what they were for to the extent of my new level of consciousness around it (at this level of awareness), and I never really knew that ADHD was dominant until now (revived diagnoses). It was not enough to say that I had generalized anxiety disorder because some of the symptoms could not be explained by that. I love that I realize now that the ADHD is what needs to be managed first, and if that doesn't get managed, then the anxiety gets triggered, and then if that gets triggered and everything goes to absolute hell, then episodic depression kicks in.
The level of small-mindedness and lack of medical knowledge to judge someone for working out as a coping mechanism when looking for the right anxiety (and ADHD) medication, I want nothing to do with people capable of kicking someone when down...
I now can answer all these questions and more:
➡️Why do I get a second wind energy at night time?
➡️Why am I wired at night time despite my relaxation routine?
➡️Why do my symptoms happen mostly at night times sometimes (the battery is slow in the morning though)?
➡️Why do I need time without notifications interrupting my flow when doing focused work?
➡️Why do I have trouble waking up in the morning no matter how much I love my life?
➡️Why do I depend on a slightly later start for my days? Although this is standard flexibility for the most part in most businesses, I never understood it fully.
➡️Why can I be in the gym for 2+ hours straight without being tired?
➡️Why does water cool me down so much?
➡️Why do I not like being slowed down when in my zone?
➡️Why do I depend on the steam room as much for my inflammation?
➡️Why do I have a burst of energy where I can sprint for hours but sometimes less time?
➡️Where do my workaholic tendencies come from? Do inefficient workflows with no benefit for clients trigger it? Does feeling a lack of autonomy over micro-steps trigger it? Does having to re-do work due to duplication trigger it even more?
➡️Why does missing the gym trigger my ADHD?
➡️Why does it even matter that my workouts double up as me-time and that I cannot tolerate group exercise because exercise is a form of therapy for me (unless I am in a teaching situation)?
➡️Why was I even ashamed of my coping skills?
Words cannot express the joy and elation of no longer wondering what was happening and the level of dominance of ADHD over the anxiety and how this isn’t suppressing my inner fire, it is putting back in the driver’s seat. I see more clearly now.
I am tailoring my diet and fitness even more and my inflammation also feels better. I just feel like now more than ever, I got myself back. It's going to be a tailoring phase for all areas of my life now and I now have super clear criteria for how I can be optimally contributing.
The idea of sticking to plans that don't work is perpetuated by inflexibility and can be disastrous, now that I know that, I can choose my partnerships more wisely now.
I need flexible principles that are adaptable in-real-time to a certain extent, but with some structure.
I also own my needs for/ways to recharge and my mental health precedes any impact as I need to be here for the long haul... and anyone who chooses to view a health focus as a lack of dedication (each area of life has its lane) has a thinking challenge.
There is no other way to say this, people with invisible disabilities and invisible illnesses do not need to be fighting their illnesses daily and fighting stigma and toxic assumptions. I haven’t felt this disgusted in a while. The ability to conceal our pain is ingrained with how just anyone seems to play doctor and tell us our invisible mental health conditions aren’t real because of how we look / speak / our achievements, this is one the worst kinds of things you can do to someone is not believe them. Invisible illnesses fluctuate from one day to the next and what takes little energy for others may take a lot for us!
Fighting ignorance from "know-it-alls" who don't have the awareness that they do not have the final say on the validity of our health conditions was indescribable, this is a level of emotional exhaustion that makes you question how sheltered someone must need to be in order to allow themselves to project their supposed notions and shady "observations" when they truly have no knowledge in this whatsoever. Ignorance is one thing, a patronizing God-complex is absolutely deplorable to have to deal with. The same people will act as though they can decide whether or not you're worthy of earning your bag in peace, free from their barriers and obstruction... which is where ignorance too far. Nitpicking takes far more time than understanding, it’s basic math. We are often eager to please the judgers and belittlers when they’ve convinced us that we caused their hate by simply being ourselves, this is wrong.
Our reaction to belittlement is not out of proportion and their hate is a reflection of their issues within themselves. Period.
Compilation of past lessons and experiences I have witnessed happen to others/myself and that are likely not unique to just me and that many others may have experienced in their own life:
When anyone has the audacity to view people who simply function differently as people who function poorly... making assumptions rather than asking questions, a boundary within us has to go up, critical self-preservation and not triggering even more nervous breakdowns from being around that. The funny thing is they're not like that with everyone and they're not always like that, it's on-and-off (harder to detect and they are well prepared with their excuses, babies incapable of personal accountability which will catch up to them).
Our wellness, security, and mental health is more important than what anyone chooses to think about new boundaries (how dare we respect ourselves and refuse to pick up / clean up after the errors they caused by defying/resisting standardization, how dare we value every minute of our time).
If someone has it in them to make assumptions about someone else's mental health - when they are clearly struggling/in a crisis - in a manner that is negative and the opposite of curious/genuine questions - that is a show of their character not ours. It is very important not to take that lack of awareness/interest in educating themselves personally because to give that much value to people who have contributed so little to your professional development/growth is an absurdly futile waste of time.
Regardless, the only thing that matters right now is that I design my life accordingly to my newfound understanding of what my conditions are as I feel my best when I contribute my best (using all of my past experiences as data).
Actions matter more than anything, and the biggest mistake I made in the past was expecting my needs to be met by people who were unwilling to take action because they had energy to pounce on me. Enough energy to fabricate/look for flaws for hours and blatantly humiliate, yet not enough energy to listen.
Enough time to change systems without training those who use them the most, enough time to fake helping you, yet blatantly denying the genuine training needed for newer more complex tasks having to do with factors that impact many people... but enough time to train everyone else on it? Make it make sense please.
Enough time to do someone else's work on their behalf un-invited, enough energy to nitpick, but not enough energy to actually share relevant information and actually collaborate (that would require them seeing others as equals, that's not the case with the hierarchy police). It's highly destabilizing to not know what your work would look like from one day to the next and for no logical reason.
Hate from the gate does not require getting to know someone more, it's a display of their character.
An emotional reaction to disrespect is not cruelty (or crying due to stress), but using someone’s dark times against them when you are aware of the dark time, covert humiliation / insults: is the lowest form of character flaw-based behaviour and the type of toxicity where limited exposure is the only solution. Not to mention, they have time for nitpicking every single thing, but not for understanding... Arrogant, entitled, haughty people repel talent.
When they involve themselves in things that have nothing to do with them and call it helpful... but don’t include you in things that have to do something with you, interesting definition of collaboration indeed.
They will indirectly wear you down due to their negative energy, you need only positive people who listen the first time and would never test the waters.
Don’t build with people who don’t comprehend structure/ principles or view principles as inflexible. If you have principles, you save mental energy when making decisions so that when unpredictable situations arise, you’re not caught off guard.
Making someone look like they're difficult for needing straight answers to minor issues is a sign of someone who does not want to commit to solutions or principles even in the absence of concrete information, run.
Back to the happiness of this whole journey, there are no words to express my gratitude for knowing what was happening with the ADHD.
I accomplished more than what I passed up during this time.
The things I need in my daily life to function at my best may not be preferences for a certain lifestyle, they're actually health requirements, but who I choose to surround myself with will absolutely be based on mere preferences.
The world is changing so we don’t have to go work for ourselves entirely to get basic flexibility anymore, and I think it’s beautiful to find aligned situations.
When you know you're going places whether or not those who view the fact that you function differently as as "incompatible" with their rigidity and inflexibility support you or not, their words cannot permeate your aura, their words are a reflection of their character. If their default is put downs and then vilifying your emotional reaction to their put downs, they should get their self-esteem checked.
It takes an interesting type to see you struggle, laugh at you in various ways, do nothing significant while pretending to “help” (spending copious hours on showy-ness just to justify their demonization of you for speaking up) via crumbs of support, and then blame you for being “too emotional” when complaining about genuine issues.
Also, correcting misunderstandings about you to those creative enough to make out-of-context assumptions about your boundaries /mental health /lifestyle is giving away your power, never explain. The right people don’t need it, and you can’t control the filters of the wrong people.
At the end of the day, they cannot take away what’s within you (that resilience, that drive, that you-ness), and the right people will see what’s within you, and the rest are non-factors, as irrelevant as their exaggerations /lies on your name. No time to include relevant people in relevant conversations, but time to nitpick? How?
Not your job to explain why you’re valid even if you’re different, you cannot be any nicer or kinder to "win" their approval or try to get them to like you, haters are called that for a reason, it is not your job to expose yourself to anyone further just because someone thinks that they need to get to know more of what they do not understand, those people are not winnable and a waste of your energy.
With self-awareness, you see everything as personal development but that does not mean blaming yourself for someone else’s failures or continuing to put yourself in harm’s way when there’s a way out.
You should not have to go out of your way to spend more time with them in order to get them to like you, genuine people don't actually require excessive time spent on explanations (genuine people aren't going to require more of your energy than the situation warrants in order to get them to understand you).
You won't have to change the perceptions of the right people, because the right people don't make the assumptions that a hater would!
I would be embarrassed to be the person whose perception of people different than that needs to be changed. I’d also be embarrassed to expect anyone to desire being around that.
Trust your own judgement and perception, and not the one of those who want to gaslight you out of the truth.
Moral of the story: I learned a lot about myself and examples of who I do not want to be. If you don’t know what you should be doing in your business from one day to the next, you have a planning problem, that’s not a way to live... Unless you work in the E.R., how does it make sense for roles to change that often while expecting a good final product? Really? Is that adaptability or are you just making stuff up as you go, for what?
I also found it really funny how the people who were incapable of thanking others for their hard work and connecting in a dignified manner were the same people imposing unwanted affection / unwarranted closeness. It's not warmth or friendliness if if pushes past normal healthy boundaries, yet the same people cannot connect in a dignified manner, incapable of reading cues, incapable of listening and cannot ever say thank you or show gratitude (they cannot even connect around the work but they feel like they're entitled to break other basic / known boundaries, infantilize you, and tell you about yourself). This is twisted.
Basic limits are not cold, they're a right, we have a right to refuse anything that feels too close for comfort... limits are not "lacking warmth" - they're respectful...
Not encroaching on people, respecting their time / space, letting them breathe, and being professional is not cold, it’s the norm, yet they tear apart people's personalities / skip dignified ways to connect / are not people I could freely speak around / they mistake hovering as collaboration ... all while rushing the trust-earning process? Someone is missing the basics here!
The right ones will fiercely adore you, thank those who put you down /picked you apart /discouraged your business /wasted your rare evenings off due to their poor planning /poor boundaries /disrespect for personal time (because underlings are subservient serfs and should only speak when spoken to) for making you wiser.
You will never win with anyone who takes a limit personally. Ever. Do not try. Do not explain yourself, they will twist your every word.
The intensity of the shut-down/put-down/belittlement of your every idea by the unworthy of you is either because: it makes them look bad, or they’re afraid of your shine, but you can’t build anything with those who hold you back, dissolving is the best, make space for genuine souls!
There is a between emotional reaction to medication trials or reacting to someone full-on insulting you vs. actually going out of you way to childishly insult someone who is in distress (the ultimate trait of cowardice - someone who calls you out on being too emotional and that is very true about me and I am working on not giving insulters and back-biters a reaction - but the cowards simultaneously fail to outline how poorly they treated you, how they diminished your voice, got in the way etc., since not everyone is capable of self-reflection and personal responsibility).
I may have reacted emotionally in my life... and I may have reacted with tears under major stress (like I was stressed out and freaking out crying and the medication was giving me severe side effects) but I never insulted anyone personally or tore them down for general or personal traits, I have never tried to dig up perceived errors, and I have never pounced on their every move to fabricate flaws... That's overt hostility, that is not the same as someone reacting to medication trials and tremendous pressure and eventually becoming clinically depressed.
Their dangling carrots and future-faking was a distraction from the reality of you being held back. They'll act like extra labour that adds no value is a training opportunity, but fail to follow-through on professional development to clip your wings when you no longer are dependent on them for the basics of your operations. A micromanager needs to feel needed and in control at all times.
If someone gets defensive when being asked for clarification, they are thin-skinned and intimidated by you. It’s best not to waste your talent on people like that. They don’t like being questioned because they thrive off of power and control. Run.
These people expect you to have no control over how your day looks like, when your day is going to end, and the content of the day and still be happy with that.
You can release the negativity /release them along with it, you don’t owe anyone a place in your life in order to "prove" forgiveness, it does not warrant trust either, simply means joy in your life despite them. Parameters (not a grudge, but warranted safety shields) should be kept. Their intentions don't make them safe to be around for your mental health or nervous system (I find anxiety to be an allergy of sorts).
You do not have time to invest explaining yourself to biased people or those who do not have the maturity to treat those different than them with class.
Treating people like humans with a life outside the business doesn't require knowing every detail of their life, it actually requires viewing them as people, respecting their time on /off. It simply requires accepting the fact that on their time off, your business should not be their priority, their life is the priority at that time and if this bothers you, please revisit your mindset around how you view your people in general and where this dinosaur-ism will take you in 2022...
You can be:
Without knowing the private life of a person, they do not owe you that level of detail or having their privacy encroached on because it is innately up to them how much they share/with who... Humans are worthy of dignity just by existing. Emotionally mature people do not take the privacy levels of others as a personal attack...
They also do not take your confidence as being too direct.
Confidence is knowing you’re amazing, arrogance is a need to demean others to big oneself up, so some sort of confidence that is conditional on others being put down to prop oneself up, over-riding the free will of others, etc. Speaking up is a right, not an infraction even if the hierarchy police may have a different view.
The hierarchy police often believes that micromanagement is the same as collaboration, but collaboration actually requires listening, and exchanging information and ideas. To have the time to be the personality police and outright insult people, but not enough time to ask questions? Sad excuse for a partnership indeed.
Here is the other thing... misusing time is a big red flag and causing people to clean up after them, since the time of the maids/serfs is inferior. Who resists consistency and standardization?
We all deserve better than walking on eggshells, as with some... no matter how kindly we speak our truth: they'll still take it as a personal attack.
Few people are worthy of the risk of full forgiveness and full trust, very few. The rest, it’s caution on steroids and that’s all there is to it, no bad energy, nothing really, general indifference or neutrality (they would not add any uplifting vibes to my life, can live without).
Clean slates are only for people I can't see myself living without and feel a genuine organic connection with... one truly comes from the heart, the rest: wishing them the best, but I am happier now. I feel lighter, I feel like me again.
We are all worthy of the basics and we also have a right to speak up about our experiences especially if no names are being used.
Those who believe they can redirect the paths of people's whose personality they do not like: you are not powerful if your only source of power is to abuse authority, belittle, humiliate, get in the way of basic functions, and worst of all: hold people back because they don't fit the norms.
Genuine people respect your life outside of the business setting by understanding how a business is to be run.
Something I learned that should be pretty basic:
Boundaries protect our right to making personal choices and having personal values (like how we like to spend our time outside the business and protecting that time), there is no “unity” possible when people aren’t distinct / separate individuals with their own identities coming together, all else is unhealthy enmeshment / warped sense of connection.
Boundaries protect our right to choices, while coming together for common goals, there is nothing cold about being an individual and have a right to being your own person (thinking differently and so on) without being pushed around and rightfully expecting to be able to set normal limits WITHOUT fear of a bad reaction, fear of indirect punishment / passive aggression, and being able to be firm in a normal tone of voice without having to pepper everything with over the top-ness to manage the feelings of people incapable of honouring the rights of those they view as an extension of their agenda... they'll make you feel like you're not dedicated or generous enough for not wanting to do something extra at your own expense / at the expense of your time off (indirectly of course). Protecting your time isn't lacking dedication / generosity, it is living within your limits and means.
Pretending they don't know better doesn't work when there is a pattern....don't give people like that, who have nothing to add to your life, any more power; however, process the trauma as that can take a toll on your mental health.
Align with genuine, mature, non-judgemental, amazing leaders who do not need you to take on the full-time job of educating on the basics of human decency.
If they need a course on human decency and work in math without caring for details, they should reconsider their path, not you.
It's not your job to find different ways to get them to like or understand you. Dealing with them was a waste of time to begin with. I can't believe I stayed that long... This is me being angry with myself for not getting out sooner as any sinking ship will only teach you how not to run a business and I sadly have seen enough of those!
The reasons why they felt the need to put down /condescend isn't my issue to fix.
No one is going to make it my job to manage any hostility towards me or win over the haters...
How is being too emotional a good reason to pile on someone? There's no excuse for haterism. Ever.
There is no "slate" to clean here, it's simply limiting my exposure.
Can we stop insinuating that people that are mistreated are the ones responsible for changing the perceptions of the hostile people?
We cannot control the filters and the perceptions of hostile people. I would be embarrassed to be the people whose perception of those different than them needs to be changed (to need to be convinced or won over to "approve" or treat with decency anyone different - that is a *them* problem). Don't expect anyone to want to be around that.
It's one thing to resist giving relevant information freely (like the normal definition of collaboration) and creating more obstacles, but it is another to be a full-on obstacle and embody one, very difficult to navigate the obstruction of not knowing when the next landmine would come from (like a war-zone of scapegoating, nitpicking, petty power-plays, inflated egos, and so on)... so I could only get quiet time outside normal hours.
This is for the personality police: you don’t get to dictate anyone’s path or *income* stability that they earned via skills based on your personal like or dislike for them. Your filters do not authorize you to make someone's life a living hell, please go exercise control and power over your own mind and seek to understand why you love playing a game of gotcha?
Their personal dislike of you is not part of the basis for the business relationship.
You will be “difficult” for asking for what you want... around the wrong people. Let them find docile robots who fit gender norms so they can put their sexism to rest as well, robots aren’t a threat to their chauvinistic world view. How dare you have needs and goals, you’re supposed to exist exclusively for them and be a lackey you.
Boundaries and space (honouring your right to being an individual with rights and choices) are honoured in healthy situations / relationships, it’s a sign that something is toxic when boundaries are seen as lack of dedication.
The value someone brings speaks louder than the personality police’s inability to respect differences with neutrality. You do not have to like someone personally in order to work with them in any setting. You simply have to focus on a common goal. Unless they're setting the building on fire or being homophobic, sexist, derogatory towards any gender in a business setting without seeking permission to render the working relationship unprofessional, or racist or anything that infringes on others, you disliking them is a non-factor.
Having to spell out the basics was emotionally exhausting, be around people who ‘get’ you and ‘get’ it.
It was a very heavy burden to be around anyone who needed to be told not to behave like a cave-person (as if they did not know better, they did, it's a power-play for them to show the subservient lackeys who is in charge), to comprehend the basics of what is actually required for a functional business, to provide basic information, and so on... and they even expected trophies for the basics as if it was a chore or an accomplishment.
Constantly having genuinely useful ideas shut down can truly break down your confidence, if you let it.
They can be "stressed" and talk down to you, but you cannot speak up as they'll call you sensitive.
It was about damn time for the Universe to shake things up!
✨ "Can't fall down
Stay triumphant, keep on living
Stay on your toes
Get off the ropes
Don't let 'em ever count you out
Realize all things are possible
In your heart who's the greatest
Reach for the stars
Be all that you are
And make 'em all fall down" - Triumphant, Mariah Carey ✨
Better off, way more productive without them in the way, and way happier! We often mistakenly assume that if our needs were not met in any relationship, situation, or if we were mistreated, that it is our role to make “amends” to be accepted and we often twist ourselves to win approval. This is where our inner child needs to be told: no, it’s not on us to make ourselves more acceptable as if something was wrong with us. 🛫
✨ Never let anyone stop you from funding and fuelling your dreams... their insecurity will not stop your stability and security which is critical for life's ups and downs and you should not need to struggle more or at all due to someone else not liking you.
You are not responsible for complying with stereotypes or meeting their insecurity-based needs at your own expense, something that is never part of any healthy and equality-based business relationship. The only power some will get is by projecting their deep insecurities onto another, this power-trip doesn't last, please get yourself in order as this is a very unhealthy way to live. I feel terrible for people who believe that this is a way to live.
Am I truly lazy or do you dislike it when people set boundaries different than yours or ones that inconvenience you? Who is going to stay late for free to type things into a document you have access to as your "in real time" typist / underling (despite being sick at the time and not speaking up about my focus hour as boundaries - even medical ones - were met with possible punishment or passive aggression) - and set up your new tracking systems all at once - while you put them down despite their best efforts / despite your inability to comprehend that they also require focus because they also have a life (and a medical reason should not be required)?
Who else is going to silently tolerate a bro culture for way too long?
Doing too much / going the extra for the wrong people won't get you anywhere other than a potential early grave...
The minute you stop making how some choose to perceive you into your problem, be it them hearing what they choose to, them viewing limits as lazy, you free yourself and find aligned partnerships that deserve you. 👏 Indirect snide remarks towards boundaries are their character.
Gaslighting tactics can't with with smart people.
Moral of the story:
Safe people do not mock, condemn, criticize, or retaliate against boundaries.
You cannot share your pain with people hellbent on pouncing on your every flaw or turning any little thing against you to make it look like you caused their harmful pettiness or their tendency to abuse their power, you must protect yourself.
Never let their treatment convince you that you’re worth less than all that you truly are worth, never share your pain with people who would mock you in the first place... they don’t need awareness, they need to look into why they need to control/belittle others to feel good about themselves, making yourself likeable or changing your essence isn’t the solution (despite gaslighting manipulators having a different opinion, denying and deflecting will catch up to them as no one will stay around that chaos for too long).
When a sinking ship acts like an authority on “best practices” (more like red flags) and goes further than silencing innovation but mocks / interrupts / obstructs your way due to that innovative trait: you realize how much time you wasted.
You can be cordial from a distance, but fearful insecure gossipy toxic people who bring you down are far beyond the point of just lacking awareness. They'll add barriers and obstructions to your workflow and then blame you for failing (because they want to feel significant no matter what the cost is to you) and then point out your flaws when you struggle.
Someone else’s behaviour towards you isn’t something you caused because of your personality or traits so it isn’t on you to change the core of who you are to appease some silly person (work on your flaws, but don't stop being you), that’s classic blame-shifting, you cannot reason with someone like that.
Gaslighting is designed to make you doubt your perception and weaken you, do not fall for such tactics.
Can you imagine spending your life dimming your light and being less than your full expression to appease people who cannot be appeased no matter what as needing someone to fit into a mold in the first place is a deep insecurity within them? Don’t stop being you. Let them watch from the cheap seats.
Talent wins over ego in ethical situations and the right people will adore and appreciate you, leave the rest in the past as they have no say or control over your future anymore, this should inspire them to look within themselves and stay in their locus of control: bettering their own lives rather than attempting to belittle other people indirectly.
The only time people operate on urgency and adrenaline is because their environment or workload is unpredictable and changes almost hourly, this should only happen in the E.R. Seriously, I wasn't working in the ICU. Far from it! When someone jumps in and out of your workflows, you cannot predict the time something will take.
Hours should be predictable even if content of the work isn't always. This is basic working conditions 101! But you're lacking dedication if you have a life... only in medieval times.
There’s growth-driven feedback and then there are those inconvenienced by your mere existence and personality, know the difference. 🚩
Best not to accept “constructive criticism” by those who have not constructed anything or whose traits you don’t care to mimic.
Speaking highly of someone in their absence and then putting them down in private is classic manipulation. It's even more painful when it is un-warranted.
I don’t believe you need ADHD to expect your personal time to belong to you, in any business. The time we get to recharge is sacred, it is for personal goals, and that’s all there is to it. Organic bonds honour this and I love that I found a healthier situation. 🙏
The level of liberation felt when something organic forms is beautiful, also shows how trapped / exploited you felt before. Feeling the contrast fully. The Universe delivers the best to those who know their worth. Never settle from crumbs and fake “support” that insults you in one breathe, and praises you only in public to support the image they work so hard to sustain.
If you’re granular, outspoken, and ask questions when something doesn’t feel right or ethical... the personality police may attempt to stall your growth, but the right people will see your value.
Those who go out of their way to make you look sub-par for no logical reason except their own insecure projections, amidst a medical crisis you had that they knew about, have some serious issues to solve within themselves.
You do not owe anything further to people who did not support you the one time you needed it, your energy replenishment is your first priority and going overboard for ungrateful people was a huge mistake!
When someone who never asks for help finally does, then gets judged on productivity... that goes to show how little you gain from setting yourself on fire for entitled and ungrateful people who will exploit you until you bleed then laugh about your need for support. It will never be enough for people who are wired to tear others down. No amount of self-sacrifice will work and no amount of self-sacrifice is noble to begin with!
When they offer small tidbits of 3-5 minutes of support sporadically - so everything except what you need and slime you in the process for needing help in the first place.
Those who create traffic-jams by moving things around under the guise of a sad excuse for "help" only to then shame your work ethic for following their faulty guidance which had zero logic implicated are a true testament to how much of a risk it is to stay around toxic people and inept planning. Playing whack-a-mole was somehow a better "priority setting strategy" than my recommendation to do things in tandem if they each had the same deadline, instead, I was instructed to ignore things for days until they became fires - then I was blamed for not catching the fires that the saboteurs created through their flawed logic with which I inevitably lost patience and cried (whether or not I complied, you can't win with people like that). This could have destroyed me more than it almost did. I finally found a way out and I am glad I did, it was beyond repair, I dreaded existing. I dreaded having to engage with their passive aggression and daily demoralization, even strong people have limits.
For collective intelligence and genuine collaboration to happen, you should not need to fight for a seat at that table, remove yourself from such tables or make an escape plan and the Universe will align you with organic souls who don’t see listening to you as a chore! 🙏✨👏The only people who would want you to not show up as who you truly are... they’re not your people and you will not cut off your voice and fullest potential in favour of a few clowns.
Be YOU, you deserve to live your fullest expression, it’s healthier to be true to yourself. ✨
Your personality is not broken because a few people dislike you, so simply work within your temperament, manage your flaws for sure, and find people who click with you.
The only two reasons someone would have such a strong aversion to detail-driven people: 1. it exposes their lacks, 2. they are not able to keep up: two bad reasons to try to annihilate your temperament and gifts, but a catalyst to moving onto what feeds your soul. 🙏
To stifle your enthusiasm for life is to kill your soul, re-orient before considering settling. Thank the catalysts for moving you from what could have brought you into a deeper hole had you not been saved from that misery due to lack of innovation and voicelessness.
Work with what drives you, work with what motivates you, avoid what drains you. You cannot reason with illogical excuse-makers.
You're not living your life if you're diminishing your core drivers for the sake of the un-winnable gang of mobsters determined to misunderstand anything that is different (when you're a threat, you're a target). I own my uniqueness and I am flattered that they went out of their way to make me an issue in their life, it's adorable.
Low control high output means you will always be in a cycle of high urgency (messed with schedule) since you do not know what comes next and if this happens elsewhere than the ER, you’re dealing with senseless disorganization which isn’t usually worth it. Lesson learned.
Biggest red flag should have been when productivity was more important than safety / wellness while a military operation was taking place when half the city was a war zone (can’t even be kind during civil unrest), those are definitely not my people by any stretch of the word. In essence, when half the city was in crisis due to what resembled a war in our backyards, all they cared about was “productivity” not wellness, such people deserve nothing further from me.
Ineffective support, poor treatment, lack of respect: these things can be bad and destructive... oftentimes when we feel like something terrible is happening = we feel like we have no options, but those bad experiences are opportunities to bounce off from and create better.
Embracing our uniqueness and removing those who don’t is a far more enjoyable life experience than trying to reason with the un-winnable, my creative blocks have melted now that I no longer allow their insults to make me feel like I am wrong for being me / steal my joy / or that my brain is wired wrong.
Your unique vantage point is your strongest asset, your unique style is an asset, your brain is wired in a way that can be leveraged... we cannot go through life feeling like something is wrong with us and expect to thrive, do not let anyone steal your joy with their hate, shine brighter.
The subtle way that a hater stops you from achieving your fullest potential is by trying to subtly get you to “dial down” what makes you unique which gets you less access to bigger and better opportunities in life / less exposure, keeps you in a box, that’s not fair to you. 🚩
They will find other things over which to pick you apart, so do not rob yourself of your fullest expression by attempting to appease them, it simply is not possible or fair to you and others who can benefit from being inspired by seeing you be your best and healthiest version.
Honouring your needs as being valid is how you avoid crap-fits (in all areas of life). Crap-fits: when we settle for less and eventually lose our minds to a point of not understanding if our life even has a purpose anymore.
Happiness and not giving them more of your time is way more practical as they’ve stolen enough of your joy!
I’d be more concerned about those who humiliate and snicker than those who cry when being condescended, pushed around, and overloaded, but to each their own. Moral of the story: choose your surroundings wisely.
I may have needed my ADHD to be medicated, but that didn’t make the situation healthy for me. So ... although I took on the professional development from the situation, that doesn’t mean the situation was ever healthy for me. Dissolution needed to happen and quickly.
Nothing short of disgusting is seeing someone snuggle on medication trials because they want to keep working, but snickering behind their back (this is to frame them as crazy for reacting, classic sneaky sinister toxic entitled snakes) - and then wondering why they are not interested in having anything to do with you. Clearly, age has nothing to do with maturity and leadership should come with a far more serious licensing process. Let's not mention, doubling the steps it takes to get one thing done, and wondering why they need extra time. Is this not the dumbest thing ever?
“To punish someone for your own mistakes or for the consequences of your own actions, to harm another by shifting blame that is rightly yours; this is a wretched and cowardly sin.” – Richelle E. Goodrich
Ungrateful and unsupportive people deserve to end up with no talent around them. They had time to watch my every move, but not talk about how to efficiently manage my suddenly doubled workload, while simultaneously removing my added resources. I don't even know how I survived that dumpster fire, I even had to defend putting client service above back-end work that others could have helped with when I was drowning, but a lower position was barely allowed a focus hour as it was inconvenient.
People who lack self-awareness believe that your reaction to the problem is the problem, rather than the problem itself. They will deny your right to be upset at circumstances that most people would be upset by... If they convince everyone that you are crazy, they can fully escape taking any accountability for their part. Expressing how you feel, a basic opinion, or using your voice will be considered “emotional”, “difficult”, and “demanding” to those inconvenienced by your existence being beyond serving their agenda.
You’re evil and mean for setting boundaries too (this reduces you to a subservient inanimate object, rather than being seen as a person with basic rights and valid needs in the 2-way street equation that is business).
Emotionally unsafe people do not respect personal agency / boundaries so they’re impossible to connect with due to their low maturity levels and not viewing you as an equal when it comes to your time on /time off, they have no tolerance for disagreement, and they cannot comprehend accountability (they have excuses ready and blatant lies ready to go). They are insincere.
Dignity matters no matter where you are on a hierarchy. Expecting people to tolerate unwarranted nonsense is unrealistic.
As you are intuitive and emotionally intelligent / able to pick up on subtleties, those who benefited from your lack of boundaries will be offended by you setting them and may say that you’re too sensitive, they’re mad when they can’t manipulate people easily.
My fear of being led in the wrong direction disappears when I trust the person. 👏 I soften and I feel weightless, I want to be guided and I have been wanting that for a while!
I just could not tolerate being belittled for having a voice any longer.
Faulty instructions / faulty prioritization principles (which changed daily even if the work did not, very weird) were my favourite, so you get in "trouble" either way, a huge trap, which clearly indicates someone really disliked you. That's probably unfair, but the investment of my brilliance in the wrong situations is never happening again.
The biggest thing that still irks me to this day is that it's not OK to have a panic attack at work because of anxiety due to being around belittling and humiliating people, but it's OK for those people to berate you and nitpick you to the point of tears / fail to update you on the basics of training for the systems they overhauled / updated / add 30-50% more work yet take away over-time? How is that acceptable? I can't believe I didn't try to trigger a change sooner. It was not only a selective accommodation, it was clear hatred covered in fake niceness. Bitter people seep into all areas of your life. Not worth it.
We can always take our power back from the condescending biased people of the world who believe we’re their lackeys / subservient minions by virtue of existing, and believe they can push us out or around for not caving into and falling for their worldview that we exist for their agenda without any personal agency, lives, priorities of our own.
The most important thing is to remember that you are in charge about how you feel about yourself, you must maintain your confidence, and never let them take your Crown / Soul / Spirit (let them nitpick and power-play each other in your absence).
Leaders (true ones) have an aura about them, they don’t need to belittle people or throw their weight around to say “look at me, this is who is in charge”, they have humility and class that is beyond words, their power is genuine and trustworthy... they have grace.
I have, in the past, changed the way I dressed, spoke, lived, even went as far as spending less time on healthy hobbies to appease certain people and think they’d stop targeting me... this is never the right answer. Mitigating our flaws while still being our fullest expression is the answer. Even if it means finding a new set of people to be around!
Suffering is not a spiritual badge! “Zen” is not a reason to put up with a lot of things or be transmuting it, conditions for healing can sometimes means re-working your situation and a better one may organically unfold...
Sometimes, the only way to think higher vibrational thoughts is to leave the situation, and sometimes the lesson is to listen to our intuition, so spirituality does not mean unlimited tolerance.
I have a very strong aversion to being around people who don't respect the time off of others, who are condescending, and see you as an extension of their agenda without your own goals, and not a person with a sacred personal life outside of work.
You don't need to be best friends with people in order to be able to work with them in any business setting towards common goals, and actually, the most respectful people are the ones who treat other people's time off work, and their wellness, as sacred (they do not encroach on it indirectly and do not blur the lines)... and they also share basic work information that they need to do their work with ease... the reason for being there in the first place. Organic connections don't feel like a full-time job because you're not talking to a wall, the right people listen the first time!
It is normal to want to limit our exposure to those who have a lot of bias towards people who do not fit their worldview.
Those who contribute the least of the basics, like a reasonable workload and psychological safety, seem to want the most of what you do not owe them: allowing their disorganization to spill into your personal time for health (which business work and business relationships belong on working hours and personal life belongs on personal time), yet these people get if very twisted and wonder why you want nothing to do with them. They do not show basic consideration and respect within the realm of the business relationship, but get very personal prematurely for some reason (biased questions / overly personal comments on your health conditions as if they were a doctor, undignified / uncomfortable dynamics with zero dignity), this is very odd.
Individuals who are not psychologically safe to be around will take a healthy boundary personally and shame you for even having individual free will and dignity over your own personal time (how dare you ask for a reasonable workload), this erodes your personal power over a period of time.
It is much more "warm" to care about people's time and wellness than personal questions and weird comments on their health conditions.
They do everything else that is highly useless except hold the basic end of the bargain that is theirs to do, weird.
It’s always hard to know where the inventive haters with no evidence for their claims against my work ethic got their stories / why I was even targeted in the first place, I will never know but one thing for sure: I always rise so maybe spend your time on bettering yourselves?
Here’s the bottom line: crumbs of support never could amount to genuine-ness, anytime they could blame me for their own behaviour / switch the order of things / switch up long-standing client-first principles to priority setting they would and make it seem like I was an utter idiot for defending client-facing work, and it was all fake crumbs when a 5 minute task was taken off instead of actually distributing the work more evenly given the role I was in was very neglected as it was "easier to replace" ... me setting basic boundary set off the derailment...
I could try to be nice while standing my ground, but that could not have changed the reactions I got when I had used my voice. Their attitude was very "shut up and do your job" despite their lack of knowledge of the details (which did not matter to them despite the nature of the work which is highly insidious), so who cares if the extraneous nonsense is keeping you working until late at night, let's keep piling it on while inventing added steps as we go that never existed until that day.
They added new steps daily that did not exist the day before and this was not because of any systems changed, weird! As weird as their fabricated mis-steps that they documented for months, while knowing I was starting new medication which simply made me cry more easily (not discounting my tendencies, simply hi-lighting their exacerbation and my allergy to their nonsense)... their idea of support was shutting down support structures due to me being an inconvenience for being different.
This is the type of people who are unprofessionally invasive to fake like they care, but do not care for a person’s wellbeing as people are only useful as long as they are doormats and willing to cater to their every whim regardless of it costing them their evenings and weekends because objects take sh*t with a smile and not need sleep.
To the people who point their fingers to others so to hide their deficiencies:
"You bring people down so that you can rise up, you obviously do not know how to soar." – Lamine Pearlheart
There is no "let's do this differently next time", they knew exactly what they were doing, otherwise they would not have pages full of excuses ready to go. Proving others wrong / deficient / inferior is something that gives them a high, like the idiocy of playing a game of power-hungry "gotcha" with someone struggling medically. They love arguments.
The Universe will deliver the right people to you at the right time and remove you from unhealthy settings that clash with your nervous system and brain structure, you will find people who feel your effort is good enough and not make you fight to be heard or give you a negative reaction for having a need and not being a robotic inanimate push-over (you need to see your worth first though... and know that a human flaw did not bring upon you their abuse of power, their character was like that long before you came along, you did not cause their haterade).
Learning that I only need the right people in my corner, inconsequential people who pretended to have power over me truly had none and self-worth / knowing the truth about me / knowing who I am is from within. Resilience is from within, they did not break me.
You do not go after someone who is medically struggling which they knew about the entire time as I spared no details due to my transparent attempts at being open and trying to connect, I did not deserve that type of hate.
The right not to be humiliated does not mean you have to be perfect in order to earn the right to live a life free from haterade!
"Hurt people hurt people” is not a reason to stay around the disease of haterade or any form of misuse of power or anything at all in any life situation... save thyself my loves (compassion energy from a distance) and do it sooner than I did!
There is an old and very wise saying: "Every time you point a finger in scorn—there are three remaining fingers pointing right back at you." - Alyson Noel
This type of dinosaur destroys the good values of a place by treating people like they're disposable.
They did not take my confidence in who I am and how I live, that's not something I'd ever give to the childish fools of the world. Give up already, I am not breakable and you will hurt yourselves trying to hurt me, just accept the idea that I am not going anywhere and I have every right to go about my life peacefully as crying at the wrong times when heavily medicated is not the same as being a poisonous toxic bunch of children who insult others amidst a medical crisis.
They can't stop you from living, earning, being you. They can no longer harm or hurt you.
Kindness to myself is: refusing to go into time debt for people who will never appreciate me no matter how much I did (incapable of appreciation), not going out of my way to suggest hacks/ improvements, and only investing in people capable of reciprocating and investing as much in me as I invest in them. Those who bring the least to the table also appreciate the least, it's insane. I am not saying to be rude or mean, I am saying not to waste time and kindness on the wrong people and situations, let them fend for themselves, they let me fend for myself, reacting poorly to basic questions on information I needed, didn't help with significant issues, I owe them nothing.
I wish them well, but they acted like they were special for finally attempting to behave with basic decency as if it was a chore in a 2-way business relationship... they're bad for my nervous system. I am allergic to bias.
Entitlement is a disease and people eventually reap what they sow, who would want to be around that if they had a choice? Always have choices so your income is not at the mercy of their bias and your unpaid time remains in your jurisdiction and control.
Do not ever invest kindness in those who take it for weakness or take advantage.
If being too detailed is a problem and not having time for audit is not a big deal, they should re-consider their career path instead of subtly counselling me to leave my earned place where I should be able to work in peace no matter my medical conditions or other factors that seemed to have triggered their bias.
Listening to other people’s devaluation of your worth is letting them take your mind - money - and soul, if you harm no one / bother no one / mind your own business - what is the issue if they do not like how you live / exist - you are NOT on this planet to cater to anyone else’s insecurities and there to dim yourself down for them and let them control your life! 👏 Why would you stop being you and living your life how YOU want just because what those who hate on authentic people want is for your confidence to drop so they feel powerful, do the opposite, you’re a person not a pushover. I wasn’t raised to be a doormat for egos. I was born a warrior.
I have never required knowing every detail of someone’s life, barge into their privacy, or know them personally to comprehend that wellness is a human need and that should be respected as a business that should support not replace someone’s life, this is really not difficult - people know better, but they think serfs are desperate enough to tolerate all sorts of foolishness or they taunt you like high school kids to suck the self-esteem out of you: I do not let clowns dictate my path, but nice try hyenas, nice try. Did hating me cure your insecurity?
Raise your self-esteem people! This way, you won't feel a need to bring me down to make yourselves feel better, how long did your short-lived power trip last and is it working in your favour? Let no one make you trim yourself down to appease their insecurities, as long as you harm no one, you have every right to be your fullest expression and not hold back your inspiration from the world.
Oh and again, me having flaws did not warrant that shady treatment.
Leaving someone stranded (with fake crumbs of sad excuses for support and more like inadequate half-crumbs) when they're struggling medically? What is wrong with you? You don't need specialized education to know that if someone is already bleeding, you do not cut them further and to be incapable of seeing past your hatred and bias against anyone different than your preference for spineless pushovers who do not defend their personal unpaid time off is not acceptable.
If an adult cannot be the bigger person (if they're going to say that you did this and that which caused their hate towards you, insane)... they may want to reconsider whether they have enough maturity... Should they not lead by example, not by bias?
Be around people who bring out your softness... not your survival mode / stress mode, forget those who you could explain yourself to 100 times and will take your words out of context / take basic limits as an attack (then they blame you for their chosen actions / sour attitudes). You can set a boundary with firm politeness and they'll still twist it to make it look as if you lack work ethic or cannot set priorities correctly, meanwhile, they themselves provided directives that put you in a deeper hole... you cannot win with people who interfere with your every move, get in the way, and then laugh behind your back while you struggle...
People who have creative baseless fabrications about you, do not comprehend individual free will as in being able to be yourself without shame / walking on eggshells (as long as you are not interfering with the rights of others), do not comprehend wellness: never respected you, never tried to respect you, they pretended to do so while you served their agenda.
How's that for nitpicking? I can do it too. The only difference is I have integrity and I do not make things up and target people as the personality police would target people they dislike, I speak up against those who humiliated me without a reasonable basis amidst a medical crisis.
Oh and the hierarchy police, it's embarrassing that you're likely a nobody outside your title (false sense of power via condescension), your power should come from within, not from trying to belittle and disempower others with your cheap shots and poorly constructed insults that make absolutely no sense given that you think playing "whack-a-mole" is a "best practice" and a lesson in "better priority setting" ... and you were capable of being kind and training everyone else but me for some reason.
I could never trust or take business advice or take lessons on “how to set priorities” from anyone who ignores domino effects, ignores client-facing issues for days on end, allows a dumpster fire to erupt before tending to it. On what planet is “whack-a-mole” a best practice?
What type of leader believes that how they treat subordinates will not come back to reflect on them... they are expected to be the bigger person. Like, do not be a leader if you do not have the maturity, because liking someone personally has nothing to do with advancing organizational goals which is likely hard to hear for a passive aggressive donut.
Such people will never win in life long-term by trying to oust, diminish, and destroy a truth-teller, those with point out what needs to change, or those whose confidence to speak up they hate.
Such people just hate themselves because you bring out their insecurities just by being different, no one should suffer emotionally, financially, or otherwise for being different since that's not a crime.
Some “leaders” view people as an object /a statistic and since they’re easy to replace (should only takes 5 minutes) so who cares about their wellness / health, it’s not like those things are required for long-term business functions. Get you a genuine leader and don’t look back.
I am now grateful that my head zaps at the start of medication trials created a big enough storm to clear my path from the condescending "best practices" hierarchy police who did not care about the basics of unpaid time belonging to me (regardless of their useless added processes and baseless added work without added resources at my expense) and Medieval Lords who believe they can cut off the income of those who pushed back against unfair conditions and nonsensical practices.
Insecurity is a disease, get well soon. Organic bonds thrive on respect, professionalism (not unwanted impositions of over-familiarity when such people cannot be bothered to to share basic thanks and information / respect wellness / respect business hours by not overloading people), and healthy boundaries (boundaries are part of personal autonomy which controlling individuals hate) all of which childish people take as an insult as if you existed for them and will want to even control non-business related factors for a sense of power, I could never be bothered to give any more of my time to those who destroy the talent they feel entitled to. The more chaos they create, the less they need to take accountabiligy for their poor business decisions and disorganization!
You did not succeed at destroying my wish to continue to be myself, while being self-aware enough to mitigate my flaws as I know I have many, because biased people no longer make the rules in 2022. No one owes warmth to those who treat them like garbage. No one owes much if anything to such people.
I was not raised to let hyenas / cave-people / biased hierarchy lovers / and the personality police push me out of a place I have earned (I was told to go elsewhere if I desired better treatment so they knew what they were doing).
I know my abilities, I know who I am, my confidence is not going anywhere and neither am I.
I mean, why did I even expect that much from people incapable of showing flexibility when there was a mini war outside my home during the protests or who changed the principles of priority setting daily without extraneous circumstances to justify their traps (there was nothing in the background, causing this other than them wanting to show that I was following some sort of selfish agenda when it was anything but, they were the ones trying to set me up to fail this entire time so that they could get out of the fact that I was highlighting their flaws and disorganization for positive change as the intention, but their ego was just too fragile so they became highly humiliating mean sneaky controlling snakes behind closed doors and kept a nice public image to make me look crazy as such fake people normally do) and set ups to fail just to make sure they no attention was put on their utter neglect of their own part? Their order didn't even respect client service, it was just whatever irked them at the time rather than evaluating impact. Aren't they supposed to be the wiser ones?
Fake support when it was convenient and neglect of the real things that were needed was absolutely disgusting. Resistance to automations from robot-drivers is the most incomprehensible thing, I was just trying to help by making myself even more disposable than I was told I already was if it is ever justifiable (flaws aside as we all have them) to try to scare me so much that I quit on my own? Lol.
Hyenas run in packs because they're not strong enough on their own, I made it without their sad excuse for (selective) support.
What type of person expects people to just bow down to them and makes no effort to understand the concept that acting like everything is due “now” is the opposite of setting priorities in a logical order? People who put themselves on pedestals are comical indeed. Not my vibe!
Those who get very defensive and are quick to shifting blame typically have something to hide, it's kind of sad to watch. You can say things as nicely as you want to around these people, but they will have a negative reaction when you stand up for yourself, regardless of how nice you are. They will find flaws with the person speaking up, rather than looking at their own disorganization, which was causing major issues in my personal life (despite my existing workaholic tendencies which I am capable of owning as I am not a 5 year old who tries to escape accountability for my flaws), and while it would probably be easier to hire someone without health conditions, even with people that have no health conditions, they still have a personal life and a need for un-interrupted time off... which a business is not entitled to. Having a need for personal time off and recharging has nothing to do with not being passionate enough, those who take care of themselves the most are the most passionate about their craft, because competence and optimal productivity actually depends on health. Being fully mentally present, able to capture details, show up for your clients with optimism depends on health.
I thought it was crazy that things that were only happening months from now were being prioritized over immediate client concerns, there was simply no logic to their fabrications. Mind you, this dumpster was not even a start-up!
Kicking people down when they are already at the weakest is a choice (like overt hostility) assumptions are a choice, and no longer dealing with those people unless it’s completely necessary is also going to be MY choice. Who would feel comfortable telling people that their plate is overloaded when all they got was negative reactions in the past and low-key digs... the best thing to do is just remove yourself from those types of people. 👏
You are not responsible for their bias and perceptions, so you do not need to carry the burden of being shame just for being you, that haterade belongs to them. You’re not to expose yourself further to people who get a high from disempowering others and playing a game of gotcha to show who is in charge and make sure they cut off any real support while you're bleeding (assumptions are a choice, not a mistake), distance is the answer.
You are not responsible for their bias /perceptions, so you do not need to carry the burden of shame just for being you, never let the personality police diminish your light /belief in your abilities /self-worth and joy... feeling like something is wrong with you feeds them.
I must be quite a life to make someone else's boundaries about you.
Those who had to work really hard to tear you down clearly saw your worth, they just did not want you to see your worth.
Respect is respecting someone else’s life path and priorities without necessarily understanding it. We all owe ourselves being true to our hearts not opinions. Living for the fickle opinions of randoms can end our life before we actually die, not worth it.